This post is just a prologue of what is to appear (hopefully if i have the time) on future posts, and also to rant out a little.
Looking back, it has been 2 whole years (2 years and 3 days to be exact) since I last posted anything. 2 whole years of emotion and feelings that I have been through and felt, it may sound like a lot and much, but I feel can be simplified with a simple word. Complicated. Browsing through all the previous post, I guess I could say that many people would agree that my blog has become something more of a personal rant session regarding how shitty my life or how suay i am when it comes to things (simple yet complicated) like love. I do not know how long this will continue, and maybe next time when I manage to find the younger more lovable creative side of me, maybe i might go revive posts like "the fats of life". I doubt anyone would actually take time to read this post or even remember that this blog exist, but it doesn't matter to me anymore. I just want to write things that i feel inside of me, both positive and negative feelings emotions and thoughts that maybe can't be expressed face to face or should never leave my head. Here is some of the things running consistently through my heart and my head that I choose not to let most people know.
Many of my friends often see me as a smiling person who is somewhat a mixture of a clown, village idiot and some passionate hopeless Spanish man who is in love or something. I don't deny that is who i am on the outside and somewhat part of me on the inside. But I guess there are many things that only few people would know and ultimately understand me. There are feelings and thoughts inside me that often do not see the daylight, simply because they are deemed offensive, or just goes against the culture of societies that we live in. I can confidently say the past 2 years, I have learnt and seen many things the sad and hard way.
I have seen things like ungratefulness manifest in the form of words and actions (or lack of action in some cases). I have seen insecurity and hate transform people into animals, just wanting to tear anything that makes them feel any less than superior. I have seen lack of trust and deception destroy relationships (both friendship and love). It was never easy being me, being someone who could and would always by nature be attuned the emotions and thoughts of the people around me, both friends and strangers. Sometimes I envy people who couldn't care less, people who are able to just shrug off and say "fuck it". Its heavy, carrying all these emotional baggage walking around everyday, and its tiring sometimes, smiling to others when there are weights attached to the corners of your lips.
So why do i care so much? 3 reasons. 1) I just do. It is and always will be, my gift and my curse. 2) despite all these negative things swimming in a pit once known as my heart, I still choose to see the brighter things in everything, people, situations and just life in general. You choose to see the glass as half empty, I choose to see the glass as a potential mixer for Martel or whisky. 3) I still have friends and family around me who care. They are always looking out for me and covering my blind spots, being the bridge when i need to clear a huge ass gap. They bring out the best in me when others choose to feed the demons growing inside of me. I never regretted meeting them nor would I want to change the relationship i have with them. They give my personal hell I call my life, a little touch of heaven.
