2009 had their ups and downs, mainly they were ups, and i was glad that i was able to live my life to the fullest during the past one year. Even though the emotional scars of the downs never fail to fade away, i am simply comforted with the fact that there are others around me who can help me forget that pain. All i wish for the year 2010, is for it to be a better year for all. To my friends who are entering army. I wish i could be there to support but i can't. The A's hurdle is just up ahead, but i will see you next year.
To my retainee friends who made it through round 1 with me, I wish we could all study harder together, and simply ace what we came to school for. To my best friends, i wish you all the best in your lives, it being an army one, a poly one, a JC education and even an ITE one. I may not be there physically with you guys, but i want you all to know that i am always here for you all. To this girl i know, i hope you are able to make the proper decisions in your life regarding what you want to do. What you decide is what you choose to do, and in the end, i will have no say in your choice. I just hope you do not regret what you choose in the end, like i always told you.
Last but not least, i want to wish another girl the best of her life. Without her, i might have gone insane from all the problems i face in my daily life, esp during the time of my birthday. To put it simply, words cannot express how much i feel and wanna thank her. She might not know it, but she is going down in MY history book. And often, i came to a point where i want to tell her how i felt about things. But there was never a perfect moment where i could, there would be the presence of other friends, the mood isn't there, its too early to do so etc... I hope 2010 would provide me with the opportunities and courage to do so.
I would like to end my post with my new year resolutions.
dé·jà vu: An impression of having seen or experienced something before.
My thoughts exactly right now. As i looked back for the past few months, I've seen the rise of weak friendships to strong ones, and fall of extremely strong ones. And simply what i am currently seeing, i am always having the constant fear of history repeating itself. Some of you guys might know what happened to me a few months ago, some of you guys don't. But i feel its a general experience worth sharing, as some of people might be going through something similar.
Have you ever loved someone with all your heart, but eventually got nothing out of it? You can ask me personally on fb or msn, its nothing new to me. But what so painful for me to recall is that not only did my friendship with that person worsen, it simply crashed down. Just like the way the Uno Stacko game works, only that this block couldn't be rebuilt, unlike most other scenarios.
It all started back 2 plus years ago. We met by chance and were simply good friends who loved to talk on the phone. Until a few months ago, (roughly around Febuary there?) did we start to get a little more intense. I mean, talking till 4 on msn everyday was just some of the things we did, but we never went beyond the friendship boundaries. I guess she didn't want anything beyond that despite knowing the fact that i cared for her as more than a close friend. If i'm not wrong, she was or is currently into another guy from another school? (no names mentioned, and i wont say either, its against my morals, so dun bother asking me who) but it didn't really worry me that much, i was pretty much happy to be able to spend time with her. Time passed, and i guess she grew tired of me as we began to talk less, our sms hardly got through to each other, etc... As they say, it takes 2 hands to clap, if one side was unwilling, i guess there was nothing i could do either.
Things changed when i re-established my friendship with another girl. A girl whom i met while i was working at Marks And Spencer exactly 2 years ago. We weren't really close, simply hi-bye friends whom i occasionally talk to just to maintain the friendship. I guessed it was God's way of telling me to try to move on or like to keep me distracted from the heart pain i guess? Cuz, simply, due to an event (it was a group outing organised by me for my workmates that was promoted by her) that we started talking more often? Then that eventful day came.
That day started out as a harmless one, in fact, it was supposed to be a special one for me as it was my birthday, but thats not the main point. normally one would receive birthday messages and gifts, but fuck, i sure got one hell of a present this year (thks guys btw) and if you are interested, read my previous post.
That day turned around during dinner time when i received an sms from her. Things got ugly when she found out the truth about how i felt about our friendship. She got upset as she felt that i didn't care much about her. Truth was simply 1) i didn't have feelings as someone i liked towards her. 2) i still care alot as a friend no matter what. 3) i owed her the truth. I didn't want to simply lie to her about this. I was hoping that she would understand how i felt regarding our situation. But i guess she didn't. I tried to tell her as best as i could without breaking hearts. She never talked to me since then. I was at loss during that moment. I tried calling a mutual friend we both knew, hoping she could help me out. Our friend agreed to help after her A's. I patiently waited for 2 months (A's were already over that time), hoping that things would have cooled down and maybe we could have rebuilt my friendship with her. But it didn't turn out well.
Our mutual friend couldn't help much too, simply, she didn't want to talk to her about what happened between us. I know you girls are emotional and all, but must you go through all this to avoid clearing the air? What did i ever do to deserve this treatment? Was it a crime to tell someone the truth? Sure it hurts when its heard, but don't you think i had a hard time myself trying to express her i felt in words? And why couldn't she put all that behind her and just forget about it. I already apologized to her for hurting her that day, i would have rather hurt her then than to lie about how i felt and simply throw her off track. It wouldn't be fair for our friendship. I wanted to be friends with her again, not only because i miss talking to her, but i really simply missed her as a friend (plus she still has my hard drive which she has not returned and i really really really really really really really really needed it back). But i wasn't sure if i could do it.
WHY? I WAS SIMPLY LOSING MY MIND. SLOWLY BUT STEADY, AT FIRST, SHE PUZZLED ME WITH ALL THOSE MIXED SIGNALS, CONFUSED, I DIDN'T KNOW IF I SHOULD HAVE GONE FURTHER. THAT ALONE ALREADY CAUSED ME SOO MUCH PAIN AND CONFUSION. AND NOW SHE HAS TO PLAY MIND GAMES LIKE THIS TO ME, SIMPLY CAUSE I CARED FOR HER AND DIDN'T WANT TO HURT HER SO I TOLD HER THE TRUTH ABOUT HOW I FELT. SOMEONE JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO MAN. SO MANY COUNTLESS NIGHTS, I WONDERED AND PONDERED WHAT DID I DO AND WHAT DID I NOT DO. THE MANY THINGS THAT MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE DONE SO AS TO AVOID ALL THESE PROBLEMS. THE COUNTLESS TIMES I SIMPLY STARED AT THE EMPTY SKY, TRYING TO DIVERT MYSELF AWAY FROM ALL THESE PAIN, BUT ALWAYS TO NO AVAIL. MANY PEOPLE TELL ME TO IGNORE HER, TO KEEP AWAY FROM HER, TO FORGET ABOUT IT. BUT THEN ITS NOT VERY EASY FOR ME YOU KNOW? AT ONE POINT OF TIME, I REALLY DID CARE FOR SOMEONE, AND TRUST ME, IT AIN'T EASY FOR YOU TO FORGET SOMEONE YOU LOVE. AND I SIMPLY DON'T WANT TO FORGET HER, SIMPLY BECAUSE I RATHER HAVE HER AS A FRIEND (and i prefer it that way) THAT NOT TO KNOW HER AT ALL.
And now, as i sit on my bed, i can't help but to think about the past few months i spent with my work friend. She was kinda the only thing that kept me away from the clutches of insanity. And as i reflected on the past few months, i couldn't help but to pay more attention to her. I guess i do want to care for her, to give her the things i could have given to the other girl, to protect her, even to the extent giving my life up for her, to listen to her problems till they either ran away or she forgot about them, someone to laugh with, someone to care for and more importantly, someone to love. I guess i am starting to have weird emotional feelings now. And yet, as i look at my current situation, i also can't help but to think, dé·jà vu. Even though it may not meant to be, i didn't want to let go, but i was so afraid of losing her like how i lost one of my closest friends, that even a simply thing cant trigger me to become super fucking paranoid. I simply hope things will turn out better in the future, for all of us.
Quote of the day: "love isn't just a word, its a connection between 2 things, and what's important is how you hang on to and maintain that connection."
It was an erotic cake last year, this year, it was a surprise Mac Party. Seriously guys, i love you all man. This year, somehow i feel extremely happy for all my friends for putting so much effort into my birthday. A great thanks to TheCrew for planning the awesome party. The optimus suit you guys made was simply hilarious, the Mac Chicky was simply sweet and the games were seriously fun with you all (i only feel sorry for the hostess and that nurse to be. LOL!! XD) and the vid you guys made was ermm... really innovative and damm FUCKING FUNNY. Thanks Elliot, Jonathan Lee, Jasper, Arun, Darren, Xian Pin, Joel, Julian, Lynn and someone else i am not allowed to mention due to certain curcumstances for appearing at the mac party. Hope you guys can stay creative for next year's party, NO STRIPPERS OR HOOKERS PLS. Over night lan was hardcore as we played countless games of L4D and one fucked up match of Dota. Thks louis for appearing late and ps-ing me at the mac party, but i still love you bro. XD
A special thanks for a certain someone who i am not supposed to expose for accompanying me the entire afternoon to buy my berms and to do a little fun window shopping. Even though it was only 2 and half hours, i really enjoyed myself. Buying Jap Green tea at Diaso, buying of Breezers, the reddness that came after the bottle was emptied, the private tour i gave to you at Kovan. I sincerly hope we can have more fun times like that. =)
Big hugs to my friends, Fiona, Yeow Wei and Selina for the 4 hours of Kbox on thursday. I was surprised to see a birthday cake for me and yw. =) Even though we sang til our voices were hoarse, i am still glad i went that day. Hehe, must try to see Fiona try para again, too bad i was in the middle of my game, couldnt see her dance at all. Q.Q
Fuck you Joel Tan for the spastic idea of spraying me with party foam on friday, haha, quite funny sia, made a huge scene in school when i walked back to the study. haha, too bad Ding Zhi and Bryan wasnt there.
A warm welcome for Wei Ren, who has just returned back from China, hope you had fun (kinda obvious right?) during the 6 weeks you were there. Really missed you, sounds gay, but its the hard felt feelings i have.
In general, these few days that passed, i can say it was one of the best few days of my life.. so far. Thank you Sel and Fiona for the scrapebook you both made, Fiona for the self sewn birthday soft toy (its really gd, i think you have some serious skills in sewing. =)), Joel, Monica and the rest who bought me a twirling Spaghetti fork, Marian for a homemade birthday card, Lai Han for the little cute dinosaour toy from dunno which anime, MacDonalds for the Flash toys and everyone for their heart warming wishes. I will always love you guys!!! XD And a happy birthday in advance to Yw!!! Study hard, all the best to my J2 friends, A's coming soon, Jia You!!! The best of luck to my J1 friends, retaining isnt the end off the world, its a second chance to prove yourself, to my SP friends, it was a wonderful year, tuesday will be the day we own the school!!! To my poly friends, study hard too ok? Enjoy the rest of the year and one last time, thks alot for the things that you guys have done for me this few days!!! <3 you all!!!
This post needs no explanation, the song explains all that is needed to know. Its dedicated to a close friend of mine and a person i care alot for. Here is All Again For You by We The Kings.
P.S do me a favour and try not to ask me who i am refering to. PP.S for those who know, please keep quiet about it as i do not want to spoil anyone's name on this blog. PPP.S fuck you kanye west, Taylor Swift is one of the best female singers of all time, go grow some balls and live with that fact. if you cant, do the world a favour and shoot yourself in the head. thks.
The month of September brings both many joys and sorrow. Its a month where i am reminded of many people who made a significant impact on my life. The good times, the bad times, and the shit times. You can maybe say it is because of my promos, sigh, they are always in September and often, i would remember times where i struggled desperately for my studies, esp during my secondary school years. But what enabled me to get through this tough period was not only thanks to my friends, but to my TEACHERS.
A very Happy Teacher's day to all my teachers from SRJC (Mr Thomas, Mdm Low, Mr Daniel Tan, Ms Karen Au, Mr Peter Goh, Mr Foo and all of the SRJC staff who has taught me before). I would not be coping without all of your help and would be extremely grateful if you would go leanient on my promos. =) And off course, who could forget all my marist teachers!!!! (Ms Koh, Ms Tan, Mrs Tan-Chin, Mrs Chan, Mr Goy, Ms Jazila, Mdm Lee Wan Yin and the rest of all the staff there!!)=))
This paragraph is dedicated to my fav teacher of all time, My secondary school physics teacher, Ms Sharon Tan. Many of you guys might be wondering why her and not someone else. The reason is becasue she is not only one of the best teachers i ever had, she was also the only teacher i would ever date. (MS TAN!!!! YOU STILL OWE ME LUNCH AT SUBWAY!!!!!) But seriously, the main reason i love her is beacuse she was one of the only teachers who would not give up despite how hopeless i seemed. She would encourage me despite the garden of F9s and would often scream me awake whenever i did not do my homework. She would take initiative to take time out to help me clear doubts and repeat concepts til her throat was dry. In short, she would be the dream teacher i always wanted. So cheers to you Ms Tan, for never failing to not make me fail physic. And its thanks to you that i can cope and understand H2 physics due to my foundation. SUBWAY SOOON OK? MS TAN???!!!!??!?!
So i end this short teacher's day post with a song that is specially dedicated to Ms Tan. What i go to school for by Busted. (NO, ITS NOT BY THE JONAS BROTHERS, YOU JONAS FAGS)
Red tie, black shirt, chucks and jeans, topped off with a pair of Aviator sun glasses. Yup, that's what i wore on Friday, the day of my school thanksgiving. Like always, whats a concert without the moshing and the tao pok? Even though the concert wasnt as good as last year, what mattered to me the most was i had fun. Screaming was a norm whenever i attended concerts, screamed until my throat was really dry... Alloy and the gang were as usual crazy mood, knocking and banging on the floor non stop, haha, we really did wreck havock!!! Teachers, do me a favor and play in a band like you did last year for me next year ok? I want to be able to mosh... T__T (AHHHHHHH, SHE WORE PINK THAT DAY!!!!! SOOOO CUTEEEE!!!!) (Keith and Alton, upload my photos plzzzzz!!! THKs!)
Watched GI.Joe with Joel, Louis, Jeff, Ding Zhi and Bryan. Soso show, crappy story line, action a little burry, but still watchable. Haha. (Joel, i still think you look funny in those clothes! HAHAH!)
The next part of this post is recalling the hours right after the concert. Originally, i wanted to eat dinner with 1S11 08, however, due to the really limited space on the 136, i was somehow the only guy from the group not to board the bus. I dont know if it was God's will or not, but i somehow met Joel mathew and his lovely girlfriend, Px. I can safely say this about them. For a couple who are having their first times in a relationship, i can say they are doing a good job. As we three took a bus towards serangoon interchange (i follow them sometimes, cuz i am their close friend, and they were going to the same place at that point of time.), i can see the amount of affection they often give to one another. The way he ensures she isnt cold, the way she ensures he isnt hungry or thirsty all the time (thanks Px for the vitasoy! haha), it just warms my heart to see how these newbies can be so good being the first time. And as i sat in the seat just in front of them, i watched as they show creative affection for each other, and i cant help but to put my jealousy aside and feel happy for this couple.
Reached Serangoon Gardens at roughly 9 there. Had dinner at RK house, (Nice place for prata, not bad actually...) and Frolicks for desert (Damm, why are all the frolick girls so cute and why is frolicks so god damm nice?! killing 2 stones with one bird...) But that wasnt the most memoriable part of that night. What was memoriable to me was after dinner. The class of 1s11 08 decided to find a suitable place to sit and played some cute variation of truth or dare. Who ever lost in a round had to either answer a question truthfully, or accomplish a dare. Obviously the first few rounds were quite fun as we dug deeper and deeper into one another's secrets (sry, i am not at liberty to say their secrets, dont bug me, go bug them yourself). As the game advanced, i learned more and more about human emotions and what they are capable of. Then again, i questioned my own ability to love and show affection. Elizabeth said something important that night, something about me. "It doesnt matter who you like, as long as you are who you are, and honestly, i think you are quite a nice guy, just dont emo alot, I HATE EMO." (haha, felt like laughing when i heard that, but well, its quite true, i feel...)
When Glennard asked me the question "Chen, what do you think its your greatest flaw when it comes to attracting a girl?" That question kept me thinking, what was my actual flaw that prevented me from loving so many times? I still do not know the answer up to now, but i want to thank Rachelle for her reply to my answer that night. What Rachelle said that night also restored my faith in love and the thinking that God has a plan for me, esp my love life. I fell asleep reading her reply, "well, to be honest... yes to a certain extent. I mean some girls would understand your behavior. Some wouldnt mind how one looks on the outside, but some would be disturbed by it. Yupps! (wtf is that supposed to mean sia... T___T) Its not a bad thing really =) Its just a matter of perspectives. Everyone's unique! Like i said, you've impressed me before!" I can tell you honestly, i fell asleep feeling very relieved. From that point, i realised why i fight so hard to earn small things like love and affection. I help others (you know who you are...) through their own problems, treating them like mine, hoping that one day, i would be rewarded with the same type of affection i can pamper a girl with, just like what i saw on the backseat of the 315, where Joel and Px sat. A hope that one day, all my efforts would not go to waste, a day where i can make someone special happy.
I end this post, giving special thanks the following people for the wonderful night. Rachelle, Elizabeth, Darren, Glennard, JQ, Theodora, Cai Xin, Alloy, Louis and the rest of the SP gang, Joel and Px, Joel Tan, Loke, Bryan, Ding Zhi, Jeffery, Si Hua, Yi Jing, Cheng Kai, Kuan Yi, Micheal, Adam, Alton, and the teaching staff of SRJC. (If i missed anyone out, i am sorry.) Here is the song of the day, "Hallelujah", by Paramore
Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place If we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday If only time flew like a dove Well God, make it fly faster than I'm falling in love
This time we're not giving up Let's make it last forever Screaming "hallelujah" We'll make it last forever
Holding onto patience wearing thin I can't force these eyes to see the end If only time flew like a dove We could watch it fly and just keep looking up
This time we're not giving up Let's make it last forever Screaming "hallelujah" We'll make it last forever
And we've got time on our hands (We've got time) Got nothing but time on our hands Got nothing but, got nothing but (We've got time) Got nothing but time on our hands
This time we're not giving up Oh, let's make it last forever Screaming "hallelujah" (hallelujah) Hallelujah
Oh, b4 i forget, Happy National Day to all Singaporeans!!!
Yesterday was a day that i will remember for the rest of my life. I tell you, running 14 km isnt a joke, esp if you ran 15 km last year. The pain and agony i felt when i knew that i didnt manage to run 16 km as a i planned. But nevertheless, i felt that it was a good effort, considering the amount o training i went through the past few weeks.
I can safely say that i enjoyed myself yesterday despite the disappointments i felt. Firstly, it was because if the cheering i did for all my female friends (the females ran first, followed by the guys, so we dudes had like 1.75 hours to slack and prepare ourselves) (haha, my throat is now kinda sore from the excessive screaming.). It was enjoyable as not because i manage to see my eyecandy, but more importantly, it was fun screaming the numbers of the tags on the runners and finding many humourous mathamatical ways to scream them. Secondly, (i know this sounds weird coming from a guy like me) i kinda enjoyed running when it came to the guy's turn to run. Pushing myself to the limits and even to the point where mental and physical barriers are broken. The cheering from the people in the concourse as we passed it a dozen times, the cool breeze as i sprinted towards the finishing line the 14th time. Lastly, the cramps that i got when i dropped onto the comfortable grass of the scoccer field.
I could not have done it without the support of my friends. I would like to thank my classmates who kept on calling out "bruno" whenever i ran past LT5, it kept me laughing inside the entire run. Thank you to my J2 friends whom i miss alot, guys who were running with me, thank you all for supporting me by pushing me, girls who told me not to stop as i ran past them (esp my eye candy! HAHA, somehow i always had the energy to run faster when i ran past her, dunno why...) Special thanks to the following people. Joel Tan and Shaun Low for you encouraging insults (ironic, i know...). Joel George Mathew (nice polar bear suit!), Chong Peixuan, Irwin for wearing the mascots so i can keep myself laughing whenever i see you guys. Mr Foo, Ms Au (SOOO SWEET!), Mr Tan for making me laugh when i run past you. Monica, Ester and Loke for telling me to pull my tight shorts down (i am still waiting for the video you promised monica...). Briana, Patricia, Delila, Sabrina, Rachelle, Dawn, Samantha, Anna, Yan ping, Cheryl, Lynnette, Limei, Mei Qi, Ling Hui, Yan Hui, Si Hua, Kathleen, Elizabeth for your heart warming cheers (sry if i missed anyone out, too many to recall all.). You guys really helped out alot, i couldnt have done it without you guys.
A very special thanks to someone special to me. Even though she wasnt there in person, i know she would have supported me all the way. She might not know this, but as i held on to the band she gave me a few months ago, it gave me the strength i needed to carry on in the run. She gave me comfort when i felt sharp pains due to the stitches, she gave me a lift when i started to drag my feet, her invisible hands pulled me when i wanted to walk. And when ever i felt like giving up, i gripped and held on to that band even harder, for i didnt want to give up, i believed that i could run beyond my limits, a belief i thought that was once impossible, but not anymore.
Here is a song for the day.
Last year's wishes are this year's apologies Every last time I come home I take my last chance to burn a bridge or two I only keep myself this sick in the head 'Cause I know how the words get you
We're the new face of failure Prettier and younger but not any better off Bulletproof loneliness at best, at best
Me and you, setting in a honeymoon If I woke up next to you, if I woke up next to you Me and you, setting in a honeymoon If I woke up next to you, if I woke up next to you
Collect the bad habits that you couldn't bear to keep Out of the woods but I love A tree I used to lay beneath, kissed teeth stained red From a sour bottle baby girl with eyes the size of baby worlds
We're the new face of failure Prettier and younger but not any better off Bulletproof and loneliness at best, at best
Me and you, setting in a honeymoon If I woke up next to you, if I woke up next to you Me and you, setting in a honeymoon If I woke up next to you, if I woke up next to you
Me and you, setting in a honeymoon If I woke up next to you, if I woke up next to you Me and you, setting in a honeymoon If I woke up next to you, if I woke up next to you
The best way to make it through With hearts and wrists intact Is to realize two out of three ain't bad Ain't bad!
Me and you, setting in a honeymoon If I woke up next to you, if I woke up next to you Me and you (Honeymoon) Setting in a honeymoon
Me and you, setting in a honeymoon If I woke up next to you, if I woke up next to you Me and you, setting in a honeymoon If I woke up next to you (Honeymoon)
