colours

Some of you guys may have noticed, but i was wearing a colourful bag pack to school the past week, and some call it gay, others call it cool, but i call it me. Some how, when i have time for myself these few days, i simply stop dead my in tracks and think. The more i think ed, the more i kinda accepted the fact that my life was filled with many different colours, just like the one on my bag itself. The colour red, no doubt my favourite colour, the colour that symbolises the fire of my passion for the many things i love in my life, the colour that reminds me that how much pain i may go through in my life, something may still be beautiful. And i intent to keep that way. Colours such as pink and black represents the emotions and my personality stored in this boy. Green with envy is the emotion that i am currently trying to surpress, yellow to remind me that i am still a chinese, Cooling blue to calm me down and to remove the heat from my often overworked emotions. White, to remind me that there is always something bright that still exists in me, something to remind me that no matter how dark my days may get, there is still something to look forward to. Sometimes i wonder why god put me in such a colourful situations. When he knows i already have more thatn enough to juggle in my hands. And i am not just talking about my own problems, there are added factors such as strained friendship ties, post exam stress (fucking irony...), many more...

Things like froliks, the fact that i am still called polar bear on school, cheesy combos, screamo and many more things such as watching dance and singing along while joel plays the guitar still keep me from opening the ribbon tied to my wrist.

will run is comming soon, i hope to be able to break my record of 15km, training to run, signed up for dance >.< ( wanna learn waltz, i think its realyl coooool and graceful...), and swimming tmr (want my old tan body back, i am begining to look like white chocoloate! T.T).

Here is a song that never failed to cheer me up. enjoy.

The chapters of my life so far...

Time really flies when one has much fun. Somehow i don't really get it. Every time i look back at the times i had fun, it always seem like it happened an eternity before. Fall out Boy concert, Linkin Park concert, my close friend's birthday where we would always end up drunk or spent the night chowing down on a tub of Ben and Jerry, the times i spent with that special girl, etc... I always wonder on sleepless nights why i never feel completely happy despite all these. Yet, its always the painful times i retain in my clouded memories. The shit times i had during my secondary 3, the day i found out i retained, etc... And to make things worse, a uneasy feeling dwells deep within my feelings about my future. Confused about what i really want, feeling a sense of loss without any reason, i felt my mind being mushed like a midget in a microwave. Habouring emotions i forsake many years ago come back into me like a deja vu moment. I dont know what is happening to me, and it couldnt come at a worse moment. Promos coming in 10 weeks (i did quite ok for my promos (C for physics, B for chemistry, D for gp, and U s for my math and econs (T.T) for those of you interested), Will run in august (hopefully i can break my record of 15km in 1.5 hours), (I pray for another Nike human race again), etc... It just adds to my stress.

I wonder sometimes why God puts us through all these, i always believed that he does this to make us stronger because he loves us. But sometimes i really wished he would give me a break, give her a break. I prayed often, the load just gets lighter a little, but always so small its almost negligable. I will never stop believeing that everything will turn out fine, but all i want is to rest also. Despite facing the many torments in my life, the many emotional problems that only haunts me when i am alone, I have been fighting all these sorrows and evils all my life, sometimes i wished they would leave me alone.

I pray that God will grant me the strength to continue, it being to help others or simply to perservere in what i do, and esp the fact that i need to believe that i can be happy eventually.

Happy Birthday WC, finally 18, go buy some vodka and make me a bloody mary please. haha.
I would like to end this post with my song of the day, The Quiet by We the Kings.



I'll stand
On my own two feet
Against you girl
I just can't walk away

I said,
I can't take it that easy
Wanna break you down tonight
Don't wanna waste another day

And it's not over just yet

Give me this
One last fighting chance
To crash the wall
I'll get to you
You are a war
Worth dying for
Tonight

Give me this
One last fighting chance
To be the kid
Who caved you in
It'd be so easy
To lose myself to you

Quiet
I will be
So sure
Calling your bluff
I think you lost
Your will to fight

And you know
I'll storm
Through your castles doors
Cause you know that I'm good for you
And you're scared of what you'll find

A love you won't regret

Give me this
One last fighting chance
To crash the wall
I'll get to you
You are a war
Worth dying for
Tonight

Give me this
One last fighting chance
To be the kid
Who caved you in
It'd be so easy
To lose myself to you

So open up
Your friendly fire
And let me be
The kill you're missing
Don't wanna see you
Close your eyes
Until this is over

Give me this
One last fighting chance
To crash the wall
I'll get to you
You are a war
Worth dying for
Tonight

Give me this
One last fighting chance
To be the kid
Who caved you in
It'd be so easy
To lose myself to you

A tribute to my VERY FIRST idol...

Some will call him gay, some call him a pedophile, others call him the King of Pop. I call him my hero... Yes, i am talking about Michael Jackson. I grew up listening to his music since i was a little boy, and i can say this. I loved his music. His music was the very first which i really took interest in. Not only did he manage to compose some of the best hits in the world, he also inspired me to do things people would normally see in me. I will be honest and say that he was mainly the reason i started to like dance. The way he manged to infuse dance and music into his art, was really something to wonder about. Despite facing bankruptcy a few times, he still believed in his charity work and never gave up helping the oppressed no matter what situation he was in. He believed that doing so could help Heal the World, and i really strongly believe in his work and beliefs. Songs like Black or White, Heal the World, Man in the Mirror were songs that really instilled the deep rooted values i have in me.

What really saddens me is that up til now, no one knows how he died and why,and now that he is gone, the very first person i idolized is gone. But despite what happens, i strongly believe that his music and inspiration will live on the hearts of many people all around the world.
Michael Jackson, you were born a legend, lived like a legend, and will always be a legend...

So here are some of the songs i really enjoyed from my childhood days.





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkGOiS75Lwk&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACPsfcsg4ZE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyBs6-cmFvQ&feature=related

Rest in peace.

Not afraid of living, no backing down, never giving up

I recently watched 300 again, awesome movie btw, those of you who havent watched it, go milk a cow. (I wonder when producers will create another movie with this same level of action and wowwheee...) Throughout the entire 1h45min movie, the spirit of those spartans really reminded me of one thing important that most of us neglected in our lives.

"Children, gather round! No retreat, no surrender; that is Spartan lore. And by Spartan lore we will stand and fight... and die. A new age has begun. An age of freedom, and all will know, that 300 Spartans gave their last breath to defend it!" King Leonidas

As i sat down on the chair munching a ham sandwich, as those words entered my ears, i decided on something. This handsome macho killing peice of meat died protecting the ones he knew, the people he cared for, the queen he loved. And i will do the same. (well, not dying lar, who the hell wants me dead anyway?) I will never give up helping and protecting the ones i love, it being the special girl, my family or friends. I will not stand down, no matter how painful and long this ordeal may be. I will stand and fight.

Those of you who go through many problems in their life, dont give up, dont be afraid to walk forward, live life to the fullest. Problems will weight you down, but that does not mean you cant walk, problems will make you depressed, but that does not mean you cant smile despite the pain, Megan Fox may be a guy, that does not mean she isnt hot as a girl, your cheeseburger has cheese in it and you are allergic to bread, but it does not mean its not edible. Whatever the problem is there will always be sunshine after the rain. Never give up, never surrender.

Here is the song of the day, Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance.





Now I know
That I can't make you stay
But where's your heart?
But where's your heart?
But where's your...

And I know
There's nothing I can say
To change that part
To change that part
To change...

So many
Bright lights, that cast a shadow
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A life that's so demanding
I get so weak
A love that's so demanding
I can't speak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

Can you see
My eyes are shining bright
'Cause I'm out here
On the other side
Of a jet black hotel mirror
And I'm so weak
Is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A love that's so demanding
I get weak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

These bright lights have always blind..ed me
These bright lights are always blind..ed me
I say

I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

(How can I see, I see you lying) 'Cause I see you lying next to me
(How can I see, I see you lying) With words I thought I'd never speak
(How can I see, I see you lying) Awake and unafraid
(How can I see, I see you lying) Asleep or dead

'Cause I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

'Cause I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
(Or dead)
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home
(Or dead)
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
(Or dead)
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home
WOOOO!!!! ONE MORE WEEK TIL TRANSFORMERS!!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A little secret not many know...

I recently went and sat for a VJC concert. And i swear that their dance choreography is superb. Graceful, Elegant and feather like. I was captivated not because those girls were good looking, but because their dance moves were simply magnificent. And i am saying this simply because i have a passion for dancing. Why not join dance? Many will ask, somehow, i felt that i was not able to dance simply because of a few self-esteem issues, and the particular type of dance i prefer to dance. Yes, i know it sounds gay that a guy loves dancing, but somehow, when ever i see people around me dancing, i enter a whole new world. (pretty much like a fairytale, where butterflies are tri-coloured, where the stupid thing we know as gravity does not exist, etc..) And i feel happy simply by watching. (Its rare to find people who acutally can appriciate dance the way i do because many guys choose things like soccer. ) Dance isnt just a form of art for girls, i feel that many people have this wrong interpretation of dance, and it really stings me to see this sterotype amongst people, esp teenagers in our society.

Everytime i see a person dance, it pumps adrenaline into my body, and often , i grow feelings of envy and jealousy, for sometimes i wish this caterpillar could spread butterfly wings and take to the sky. Where it knows no boundaries and the limitless skies are it's dance floor. And yet, as i write this post, i regret not doing what i was passionate about for years. And i am now wasted on the fact that i can never complete another dream that has rocketed into the merciless sun. Someday i hope to be able to recreate this dream and turn it into a reality, for simply, if music is food for the soul, i will say that dance is oxygen.

This post is simply to tell those who are reading this because they are a fan of my blog one of my little secret that even my closest friends do not know of.

So here is my song of the day, Dance Dance, By my favourite band, Fall Out Boy.

Dance, Dance - Fall Out Boy

She says she's no good
with words but I'm worse
Barely stuttered out "A joke of a romantic"
Stuck to my tongue
Weighed down with words too over-dramatic
Tonight it's: "It can't get much worse."
Vs. "No one should ever feel like..."

I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds
These words are all I have so I'll write them
So you need them just to get by

Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how
Misery loved me

You always fold Just
Before you're found out
Drink up its last call,
Last resort,
But only the first mistake and I...

I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds
These words are all I have so I'll write them
So you need them just to get by

Why don't you show me
The little bit of spine
You've been saving
For his mattress, Love

Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how
Misery loved me

Why don't you show me
The little bit of spine
You've been saving
For his mattress
(mattress, mattress)
I only want sympathy in the form
Of you crawling into bed with me

Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
Dance, this is the way they'd love
(Way they'd love) [x2]
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me

Dance, Dance [x4]

Giving up? Nope. not yet anyway...

Spending the last few days of my life doing nothing can be inspiring to people. Such people include me. As many of you all might have read my previous post, i am sorry for being so pessimistic, i am sorry if i got you guys worked up or worried. It just so happens that i was under going alot of stress and i cracked under it. Amidst the drowning of my sorrows, I realised that screaming wont save me, it only gave the sadness opportunity to flood my lungs.

I realised that no matter how much someone tries, we can never fully understand another person despite how much we know about him or her. we shouldn't cry that people dont understand, we should smile because people tried. Thinking of the many little things that made me happy in my life kept me afloat, and i want to thank God for pulling me out of the depression hole, because without these bits and pieces of happy memories to keep me sane, i would be what people know now as a corpse.

This part of this post goes to Jonathan Song. Hey dude, relax ok? I know your situation and i can say that what you are going through is normal in couples. Give her sometime and space. I learnt that it doesn't matter how long a girl takes to reply you, as long as you she replies in the end, you will still be happy. Try to talk to her more often, often, communication = connection. And if you think your situation is tough, maybe you havent seen what i go through. So dont worry about her, i am sure she wants to spend time with you also. There will be many oppotunities for you and her to spend time. Dont give up. Love will find a way...

An Angel. Thats the two words i can only think of when i think of her. Period.



p.s Guys, i know she is cute/hot/pretty/chio/wow/etc... But you dont have to keep repeating yourself. I KNOW.

just small thoughts running through my head...

I wonder how much longer is my agony going to last. I always seem to be there when people need me, i am by their side when they cry, i am there when they needed me the most. But somehow, as much as i am always having this role, the light which i have always believed in is slowly fading, the warmth that was buried under my soul is getting colder and colder. I don't know how long more i can hide under this fake smile. I always told myself that this was a phase that i am going through in my life. But i feel that 2 years is too long to be called a phase. As much as i don't want myself going back into my old ways, it just seems the will of God that is slowly dragging me back into that black empty shell i used to hide in. Was i meant to be miserable like this? The many dreams i used to have, smashed, shattered against the wall, broken into a million pieces. I worked hard to build all these up, but yet, they were struck down that easily. Ripped from my bloodstained blistered hands and shredded and crushed like used piece of paper. Was life meant to be so hard for me like this? Sometimes fall asleep wondering about myself. What did others do to get this? What did they do that i didn't that caused me to fall into this bottomless pit, cursed to scream endlessly as i fall continuously into the darkness that is eating me.

I wish i could find another me out there who could be here with me. Someone who would know what to say, what to do and when to. Someone who truly knows about my destiny of flame and sorrow. Many have tried, few came close to succeeding, but none have so far. Others simply didn't want to try, whether it being they were afraid or they really couldn't give a rat's ass. The day i find this true someone will be the day i truly smile with my all heart and soul, the day where both heart and soul will dance a beautiful waltz within this angry hollow shell. I am not asking God to send that someone right in front of my face now. Those things only happen in fairytales, and they will stay there as long as there is a line between fantasy and reality. My one and true wish now is to find that someone soon, so that i can continue believing in my fairytale. But then, again, a wish isn't a reality.

Welcome to the other side of life of The Boy who gave his heart to A Girl.