just small thoughts running through my head...

I wonder how much longer is my agony going to last. I always seem to be there when people need me, i am by their side when they cry, i am there when they needed me the most. But somehow, as much as i am always having this role, the light which i have always believed in is slowly fading, the warmth that was buried under my soul is getting colder and colder. I don't know how long more i can hide under this fake smile. I always told myself that this was a phase that i am going through in my life. But i feel that 2 years is too long to be called a phase. As much as i don't want myself going back into my old ways, it just seems the will of God that is slowly dragging me back into that black empty shell i used to hide in. Was i meant to be miserable like this? The many dreams i used to have, smashed, shattered against the wall, broken into a million pieces. I worked hard to build all these up, but yet, they were struck down that easily. Ripped from my bloodstained blistered hands and shredded and crushed like used piece of paper. Was life meant to be so hard for me like this? Sometimes fall asleep wondering about myself. What did others do to get this? What did they do that i didn't that caused me to fall into this bottomless pit, cursed to scream endlessly as i fall continuously into the darkness that is eating me.

I wish i could find another me out there who could be here with me. Someone who would know what to say, what to do and when to. Someone who truly knows about my destiny of flame and sorrow. Many have tried, few came close to succeeding, but none have so far. Others simply didn't want to try, whether it being they were afraid or they really couldn't give a rat's ass. The day i find this true someone will be the day i truly smile with my all heart and soul, the day where both heart and soul will dance a beautiful waltz within this angry hollow shell. I am not asking God to send that someone right in front of my face now. Those things only happen in fairytales, and they will stay there as long as there is a line between fantasy and reality. My one and true wish now is to find that someone soon, so that i can continue believing in my fairytale. But then, again, a wish isn't a reality.

Welcome to the other side of life of The Boy who gave his heart to A Girl.

Me and no one else against the world

I know it has been long since i blogged. i apologize for being quiet all these weeks. I am on the verge of a mental breakdown due to many factors. (Many of you might not notice, but yes, i am under alot of pressure and stress.) I try to hide it under a smile, but yet, whenever i try to sleep, i seem to even cry myself to sleep sometimes thinking of it. Its not easy to get through things like friendship problems, politics within a CCA, exam stress, and most importantly, emotions that have grown beyond my level of control.

To those in my CCA who always supported me, esp Christopher, i thank you for the support that you have given me all these while. It jusst seems that its very unfortunate for me that things have to turn out this way for me in CCC. Apparently, its Deja Vu all over from my secondary school CCA. I simply feel that there are many people out there that simply dont appreciate what i have done for the past entire year. Iam telling you now, I AM FEELING FUCKING PISSED.

I have been suppressing many negative feelings i had when others bite me, i chose to ignore those, but it has come to a point where it gets so irritating and frustrating and piercing to one's heart that i am just this close to snapping. To my friends who have always been making fun of the thing i love most in this world, i am warning you for the last time, one more word of those mouths about her, and i swear, things will get ugly. I cant stand the fact that you always ignore my feelings when it comes to sensitive issues like this. It does not mean that if i dont bite back means i will never. She doesnt deseverve to be made fun of like this. Even if she doesnt feel hurt, i do, because she is the woman i always wanted to be with and i will never let anyone one of you guys take advantage like this anymore.

To my friends who supported me during these times of depression i had and is currently going through, i thank you. It was great having someone who could listen to my problems. And esp to the very special girl i love dearly. Thank you for always being there for me. You are the reason i still smile when i wake up in the morning, you are the reason i still laugh even though i am depressed. You are the reason i still breathe when i am suffocating under my problems or choking from the stress overload. You are the reason i still believe in myself despite the many things i have been through, and i want to say "I love You" for doing this.

I dont know what the future holds for my friends, my love and esp me. But i pray to God that he will pull me through this time if great depression and guide me to salvation. I am sorry if i wasnt the friend or person you thought i would be, even people like me go through shit. All i can say now i need someone now as I dont know how much more i can take before my mind snaps or my heart breaks and explodes into a red mist. I would like to end this post by saying happy belated birthday to Jon.