just small thoughts running through my head...

I wonder how much longer is my agony going to last. I always seem to be there when people need me, i am by their side when they cry, i am there when they needed me the most. But somehow, as much as i am always having this role, the light which i have always believed in is slowly fading, the warmth that was buried under my soul is getting colder and colder. I don't know how long more i can hide under this fake smile. I always told myself that this was a phase that i am going through in my life. But i feel that 2 years is too long to be called a phase. As much as i don't want myself going back into my old ways, it just seems the will of God that is slowly dragging me back into that black empty shell i used to hide in. Was i meant to be miserable like this? The many dreams i used to have, smashed, shattered against the wall, broken into a million pieces. I worked hard to build all these up, but yet, they were struck down that easily. Ripped from my bloodstained blistered hands and shredded and crushed like used piece of paper. Was life meant to be so hard for me like this? Sometimes fall asleep wondering about myself. What did others do to get this? What did they do that i didn't that caused me to fall into this bottomless pit, cursed to scream endlessly as i fall continuously into the darkness that is eating me.

I wish i could find another me out there who could be here with me. Someone who would know what to say, what to do and when to. Someone who truly knows about my destiny of flame and sorrow. Many have tried, few came close to succeeding, but none have so far. Others simply didn't want to try, whether it being they were afraid or they really couldn't give a rat's ass. The day i find this true someone will be the day i truly smile with my all heart and soul, the day where both heart and soul will dance a beautiful waltz within this angry hollow shell. I am not asking God to send that someone right in front of my face now. Those things only happen in fairytales, and they will stay there as long as there is a line between fantasy and reality. My one and true wish now is to find that someone soon, so that i can continue believing in my fairytale. But then, again, a wish isn't a reality.

Welcome to the other side of life of The Boy who gave his heart to A Girl.