My thoughts exactly right now. As i looked back for the past few months, I've seen the rise of weak friendships to strong ones, and fall of extremely strong ones. And simply what i am currently seeing, i am always having the constant fear of history repeating itself. Some of you guys might know what happened to me a few months ago, some of you guys don't. But i feel its a general experience worth sharing, as some of people might be going through something similar.
Have you ever loved someone with all your heart, but eventually got nothing out of it? You can ask me personally on fb or msn, its nothing new to me. But what so painful for me to recall is that not only did my friendship with that person worsen, it simply crashed down. Just like the way the Uno Stacko game works, only that this block couldn't be rebuilt, unlike most other scenarios.
It all started back 2 plus years ago. We met by chance and were simply good friends who loved to talk on the phone. Until a few months ago, (roughly around Febuary there?) did we start to get a little more intense. I mean, talking till 4 on msn everyday was just some of the things we did, but we never went beyond the friendship boundaries. I guess she didn't want anything beyond that despite knowing the fact that i cared for her as more than a close friend. If i'm not wrong, she was or is currently into another guy from another school? (no names mentioned, and i wont say either, its against my morals, so dun bother asking me who) but it didn't really worry me that much, i was pretty much happy to be able to spend time with her. Time passed, and i guess she grew tired of me as we began to talk less, our sms hardly got through to each other, etc... As they say, it takes 2 hands to clap, if one side was unwilling, i guess there was nothing i could do either.
Things changed when i re-established my friendship with another girl. A girl whom i met while i was working at Marks And Spencer exactly 2 years ago. We weren't really close, simply hi-bye friends whom i occasionally talk to just to maintain the friendship. I guessed it was God's way of telling me to try to move on or like to keep me distracted from the heart pain i guess? Cuz, simply, due to an event (it was a group outing organised by me for my workmates that was promoted by her) that we started talking more often? Then that eventful day came.
That day started out as a harmless one, in fact, it was supposed to be a special one for me as it was my birthday, but thats not the main point. normally one would receive birthday messages and gifts, but fuck, i sure got one hell of a present this year (thks guys btw) and if you are interested, read my previous post.
That day turned around during dinner time when i received an sms from her. Things got ugly when she found out the truth about how i felt about our friendship. She got upset as she felt that i didn't care much about her. Truth was simply 1) i didn't have feelings as someone i liked towards her. 2) i still care alot as a friend no matter what. 3) i owed her the truth. I didn't want to simply lie to her about this. I was hoping that she would understand how i felt regarding our situation. But i guess she didn't. I tried to tell her as best as i could without breaking hearts. She never talked to me since then. I was at loss during that moment. I tried calling a mutual friend we both knew, hoping she could help me out. Our friend agreed to help after her A's. I patiently waited for 2 months (A's were already over that time), hoping that things would have cooled down and maybe we could have rebuilt my friendship with her. But it didn't turn out well.
Our mutual friend couldn't help much too, simply, she didn't want to talk to her about what happened between us. I know you girls are emotional and all, but must you go through all this to avoid clearing the air? What did i ever do to deserve this treatment? Was it a crime to tell someone the truth? Sure it hurts when its heard, but don't you think i had a hard time myself trying to express her i felt in words? And why couldn't she put all that behind her and just forget about it. I already apologized to her for hurting her that day, i would have rather hurt her then than to lie about how i felt and simply throw her off track. It wouldn't be fair for our friendship. I wanted to be friends with her again, not only because i miss talking to her, but i really simply missed her as a friend (plus she still has my hard drive which she has not returned and i really really really really really really really really needed it back). But i wasn't sure if i could do it.
WHY? I WAS SIMPLY LOSING MY MIND. SLOWLY BUT STEADY, AT FIRST, SHE PUZZLED ME WITH ALL THOSE MIXED SIGNALS, CONFUSED, I DIDN'T KNOW IF I SHOULD HAVE GONE FURTHER. THAT ALONE ALREADY CAUSED ME SOO MUCH PAIN AND CONFUSION. AND NOW SHE HAS TO PLAY MIND GAMES LIKE THIS TO ME, SIMPLY CAUSE I CARED FOR HER AND DIDN'T WANT TO HURT HER SO I TOLD HER THE TRUTH ABOUT HOW I FELT. SOMEONE JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO MAN. SO MANY COUNTLESS NIGHTS, I WONDERED AND PONDERED WHAT DID I DO AND WHAT DID I NOT DO. THE MANY THINGS THAT MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE DONE SO AS TO AVOID ALL THESE PROBLEMS. THE COUNTLESS TIMES I SIMPLY STARED AT THE EMPTY SKY, TRYING TO DIVERT MYSELF AWAY FROM ALL THESE PAIN, BUT ALWAYS TO NO AVAIL. MANY PEOPLE TELL ME TO IGNORE HER, TO KEEP AWAY FROM HER, TO FORGET ABOUT IT. BUT THEN ITS NOT VERY EASY FOR ME YOU KNOW? AT ONE POINT OF TIME, I REALLY DID CARE FOR SOMEONE, AND TRUST ME, IT AIN'T EASY FOR YOU TO FORGET SOMEONE YOU LOVE. AND I SIMPLY DON'T WANT TO FORGET HER, SIMPLY BECAUSE I RATHER HAVE HER AS A FRIEND (and i prefer it that way) THAT NOT TO KNOW HER AT ALL.
And now, as i sit on my bed, i can't help but to think about the past few months i spent with my work friend. She was kinda the only thing that kept me away from the clutches of insanity. And as i reflected on the past few months, i couldn't help but to pay more attention to her. I guess i do want to care for her, to give her the things i could have given to the other girl, to protect her, even to the extent giving my life up for her, to listen to her problems till they either ran away or she forgot about them, someone to laugh with, someone to care for and more importantly, someone to love. I guess i am starting to have weird emotional feelings now. And yet, as i look at my current situation, i also can't help but to think, dé·jà vu. Even though it may not meant to be, i didn't want to let go, but i was so afraid of losing her like how i lost one of my closest friends, that even a simply thing cant trigger me to become super fucking paranoid. I simply hope things will turn out better in the future, for all of us.
Quote of the day: "love isn't just a word, its a connection between 2 things, and what's important is how you hang on to and maintain that connection."
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