This post is just a prologue of what is to appear (hopefully if i have the time) on future posts, and also to rant out a little.
Looking back, it has been 2 whole years (2 years and 3 days to be exact) since I last posted anything. 2 whole years of emotion and feelings that I have been through and felt, it may sound like a lot and much, but I feel can be simplified with a simple word. Complicated. Browsing through all the previous post, I guess I could say that many people would agree that my blog has become something more of a personal rant session regarding how shitty my life or how suay i am when it comes to things (simple yet complicated) like love. I do not know how long this will continue, and maybe next time when I manage to find the younger more lovable creative side of me, maybe i might go revive posts like "the fats of life". I doubt anyone would actually take time to read this post or even remember that this blog exist, but it doesn't matter to me anymore. I just want to write things that i feel inside of me, both positive and negative feelings emotions and thoughts that maybe can't be expressed face to face or should never leave my head. Here is some of the things running consistently through my heart and my head that I choose not to let most people know.
Many of my friends often see me as a smiling person who is somewhat a mixture of a clown, village idiot and some passionate hopeless Spanish man who is in love or something. I don't deny that is who i am on the outside and somewhat part of me on the inside. But I guess there are many things that only few people would know and ultimately understand me. There are feelings and thoughts inside me that often do not see the daylight, simply because they are deemed offensive, or just goes against the culture of societies that we live in. I can confidently say the past 2 years, I have learnt and seen many things the sad and hard way.
I have seen things like ungratefulness manifest in the form of words and actions (or lack of action in some cases). I have seen insecurity and hate transform people into animals, just wanting to tear anything that makes them feel any less than superior. I have seen lack of trust and deception destroy relationships (both friendship and love). It was never easy being me, being someone who could and would always by nature be attuned the emotions and thoughts of the people around me, both friends and strangers. Sometimes I envy people who couldn't care less, people who are able to just shrug off and say "fuck it". Its heavy, carrying all these emotional baggage walking around everyday, and its tiring sometimes, smiling to others when there are weights attached to the corners of your lips.
So why do i care so much? 3 reasons. 1) I just do. It is and always will be, my gift and my curse. 2) despite all these negative things swimming in a pit once known as my heart, I still choose to see the brighter things in everything, people, situations and just life in general. You choose to see the glass as half empty, I choose to see the glass as a potential mixer for Martel or whisky. 3) I still have friends and family around me who care. They are always looking out for me and covering my blind spots, being the bridge when i need to clear a huge ass gap. They bring out the best in me when others choose to feed the demons growing inside of me. I never regretted meeting them nor would I want to change the relationship i have with them. They give my personal hell I call my life, a little touch of heaven.
Wednesday 13 May 2015
Saturday 11 May 2013
Surprises that made my day
This post is for the people out there who cared enough to remember, people who have shaped me in ways i never thought was possible.
Firstly, i would like to talk about something that really made my day today. I received a call from someone whom i thought would have been a distant memory now. It was a girl i used to hang with during my time in a JC. I know what you guys are thinking, but no, she is just a friend. What made us friends was the few things we all shared in common. We spent 3 years in a JC, we had many common friends, we hung out tgt and often gossiped about things in school. I remembered there would be a time where we would actually meet up early in school, me to copy homework, while she sat opposite me and we gossiped about the things that went round the school. Sadly, things changed and well, we drifted due to our commitments with other friends (mainly me). But what made me smile so much today was the fact she called to talk despite her busy schedule and the fact she still had exams til next Thursday. The convo was nothing out of the ordinary (except for a few new juicy gossips), just that at one point, where she said something i would have never expected to hear from her. To hear her say that she missed the times we all spent together, whether it being just the 2 of us sitting at a table opposite each other among the other of hundred students in the canteen waiting for school to start, to the times where we always bumped into each other outside and spent time just talking (mainly about my lousy love life and other gossips), made me felt wanted, made me felt that despite the other things and distractions in life, people still remembered the things that are and will always be important to me. If you ask me, the 10 min we spent talking on the phone, was a nostalgic memory of 3 good years spent together. It is people like her that are outside my really close group of friends that make me feel that my life is worth living despite all the hurt and pain i have been through. To this girl, if you are reading this, thanks and yes, i look forward to meeting you soon and often, since your bf also happens to be one of my best friends and my future school mate. haha
To my group of close friends, we are no longer friends, we are brothers. Thats right fuckers, >7 years of friendship = bros forever. Thks for tonight, not only because you guys are awesome in so many different ways, but esp also because tonight was really the first night that you guys actually came down to the serangoon area and stayed past midnight. Haha, nothing beats a chill night chugging down 750ml beer that only cost 7 dollars and spending time talking about things ranging from songs to girl problems all the way to how our future would be like if we all had girlfriends/wives. My only regret is that our dear friend Jasper isnt here to see and experience this as that black man is over in Holland. Have fun getting high with kevin you asshole, make sure you come back sober enough to start school proper.
To my brother 2LT Lim Wei Ren, I thought hard about what you told me as we walked to the prata store after drinking. I dont believe that I have it harder when it comes to girl problems. Most of the time its always me, I never had the courage to do things that you did. I would never come close to having what you have, sharing a really really strong platonic relationship with your girls. From what i hear, they all really care about you. Sometimes its really sad to see how both parties are just shy to tell each other how they feel. I simply believe that we are just 2 different people when it came to finding love. Its hard for me because i always chose a battle i can never win. Its hard for you because i feel you just dont know what you really want. No situation is harder than the other. just like how an orange is the better fruit compared to an apple. They are just fruits, same for us, we all have our share of girl problems, just that they are never the same, so dont tell me i have it harder just because you never see me close to success with a girl, but thank you for understanding the problems i face in my life. All i want to say to you is just please regardless of who you eventually choose, always remember that the other is still your friend, and you wont be who you today when it comes to love without the other person.
To my other brother Wen Chuen, I am really sorry if i am being a dick to you on LOL sometimes, its just the way you play sometimes just makes me mad and screw you over just like another moron pub. You aint the worst ADC i have seen, i just want you to play better so we both can have enjoyable games. But what i wanna talk about in this para is what you discussed with the guys while drinking. Yes, we all have thought of the possibility of our GFs/ Wives hanging together when we all do. It would have been great or even awesome, and i really share that dream with you. But sadly, i have to agree with Wei Ren that a scenario like that is really really rare. We all go for different girls in our lives, and its not a definite thing that our partners would clique. Just like trying to fuck Avril Lavigne or Christina Grimme on the bathroom floor, the idea is ideal and seems perfect to some, but sometimes its just a dream that might be nothing more than points of discussion. All i can do is promise to try to bring my future gf (if i evern get one) into the group, but i cant promise anything more.
To my other brother Darren Seah, FUCK YOU, I THINK I LOOK GREAT WITH CENTER PARTING, SO FUCK YOU AND YOUR OPINION. DEAL WITH IT. =)
I would like to end this post by telling Jasper to take care of Karen, Kevin and obviously yourself while you are over there in Holland. Send my regards to them and tell them i really miss them. To the people out there who cared, thanks, i wouldn't be who i am without you all, you being a girl or guy.
Firstly, i would like to talk about something that really made my day today. I received a call from someone whom i thought would have been a distant memory now. It was a girl i used to hang with during my time in a JC. I know what you guys are thinking, but no, she is just a friend. What made us friends was the few things we all shared in common. We spent 3 years in a JC, we had many common friends, we hung out tgt and often gossiped about things in school. I remembered there would be a time where we would actually meet up early in school, me to copy homework, while she sat opposite me and we gossiped about the things that went round the school. Sadly, things changed and well, we drifted due to our commitments with other friends (mainly me). But what made me smile so much today was the fact she called to talk despite her busy schedule and the fact she still had exams til next Thursday. The convo was nothing out of the ordinary (except for a few new juicy gossips), just that at one point, where she said something i would have never expected to hear from her. To hear her say that she missed the times we all spent together, whether it being just the 2 of us sitting at a table opposite each other among the other of hundred students in the canteen waiting for school to start, to the times where we always bumped into each other outside and spent time just talking (mainly about my lousy love life and other gossips), made me felt wanted, made me felt that despite the other things and distractions in life, people still remembered the things that are and will always be important to me. If you ask me, the 10 min we spent talking on the phone, was a nostalgic memory of 3 good years spent together. It is people like her that are outside my really close group of friends that make me feel that my life is worth living despite all the hurt and pain i have been through. To this girl, if you are reading this, thanks and yes, i look forward to meeting you soon and often, since your bf also happens to be one of my best friends and my future school mate. haha
To my group of close friends, we are no longer friends, we are brothers. Thats right fuckers, >7 years of friendship = bros forever. Thks for tonight, not only because you guys are awesome in so many different ways, but esp also because tonight was really the first night that you guys actually came down to the serangoon area and stayed past midnight. Haha, nothing beats a chill night chugging down 750ml beer that only cost 7 dollars and spending time talking about things ranging from songs to girl problems all the way to how our future would be like if we all had girlfriends/wives. My only regret is that our dear friend Jasper isnt here to see and experience this as that black man is over in Holland. Have fun getting high with kevin you asshole, make sure you come back sober enough to start school proper.
To my brother 2LT Lim Wei Ren, I thought hard about what you told me as we walked to the prata store after drinking. I dont believe that I have it harder when it comes to girl problems. Most of the time its always me, I never had the courage to do things that you did. I would never come close to having what you have, sharing a really really strong platonic relationship with your girls. From what i hear, they all really care about you. Sometimes its really sad to see how both parties are just shy to tell each other how they feel. I simply believe that we are just 2 different people when it came to finding love. Its hard for me because i always chose a battle i can never win. Its hard for you because i feel you just dont know what you really want. No situation is harder than the other. just like how an orange is the better fruit compared to an apple. They are just fruits, same for us, we all have our share of girl problems, just that they are never the same, so dont tell me i have it harder just because you never see me close to success with a girl, but thank you for understanding the problems i face in my life. All i want to say to you is just please regardless of who you eventually choose, always remember that the other is still your friend, and you wont be who you today when it comes to love without the other person.
To my other brother Wen Chuen, I am really sorry if i am being a dick to you on LOL sometimes, its just the way you play sometimes just makes me mad and screw you over just like another moron pub. You aint the worst ADC i have seen, i just want you to play better so we both can have enjoyable games. But what i wanna talk about in this para is what you discussed with the guys while drinking. Yes, we all have thought of the possibility of our GFs/ Wives hanging together when we all do. It would have been great or even awesome, and i really share that dream with you. But sadly, i have to agree with Wei Ren that a scenario like that is really really rare. We all go for different girls in our lives, and its not a definite thing that our partners would clique. Just like trying to fuck Avril Lavigne or Christina Grimme on the bathroom floor, the idea is ideal and seems perfect to some, but sometimes its just a dream that might be nothing more than points of discussion. All i can do is promise to try to bring my future gf (if i evern get one) into the group, but i cant promise anything more.
To my other brother Darren Seah, FUCK YOU, I THINK I LOOK GREAT WITH CENTER PARTING, SO FUCK YOU AND YOUR OPINION. DEAL WITH IT. =)
I would like to end this post by telling Jasper to take care of Karen, Kevin and obviously yourself while you are over there in Holland. Send my regards to them and tell them i really miss them. To the people out there who cared, thanks, i wouldn't be who i am without you all, you being a girl or guy.
Sunday 5 May 2013
Dreams
I recently watched Iron Man 3, and as a Marvel fan, all i could say was that i am sorely disappointed with the storyline, as much as yes, action was good in the film, but i have to say that it really kills me to see how Hollywood is using awesome marvel stories and characters and changing them into shit fuck. The Mandarin is a very classic example, if you are a true marvel fan, you would know that he is really a chinese guy who has magical rings and for some reason has a personal vendetta against tony stark, not some hippy druggie some hormone pumped multi millionaire picked up on the street. Nvm that you took the extremis stroyline and made it shit, you didnt even make it look cool. FYI, for all who are not marvel fans, the extremis is just s substance that rewrites coding in the brain enabling the user to unlock the body's full potential, esp the brain, and yes, tony stark took a dose to combat other motherfuckers who were trying to abuse extremis. What so fuck cool about that you may ask, he rewrote the codes of his body to actually store an ironman suit inside of his organic body. If you actually put that into the movie, i would have been less disappointed. The last time i actually felt this way was when some idiots decided to kill off Venom in spiderman 3.
Enough about me raging on how people are slowing killing off the things i like, I actually want to talk about my dreams. To those who know me, the one thing i really loved about the marvel portrayed Tony Stark/ Ironman was the fact he was an inventor. Someone who wanted to create things to help society, to create things to revolutionize the way we handle things. Cutting to the point, I always wanted to be like him. No, i do not aim to build an ironman suit, but more towards his other inventions. For one, I never believed that J.A.R.V.I.S was an impossible thing. And I am just talking about the inter-phase of the system. Changing the way we view and use technology. Imagine instead of using stationary computers, you would actually be walking around while you do your work, instead of limiting yourself to a 2-D screen, you could be walking around in an 3-D environment. And this is just the tip of the iceberg, i strongly believe that there is so much we can offer to society if we actually tried. I dream that one day, we would be able to enjoy technology like that and I would really want to say that i contributed to the next technological revolution. Hopefully, my dream can be realised after i am done with my studies in NTU in a few years time
On the more awesome side of this post, I would also like to talk about a dream that was fulfilled. A dream of several young adults that seemed so crazy or even impossible to some. A dream to actually experience an epic meal time, just like those vids on youtube. A dream consisting of 6 burgers (double mac spicy, double quarter pounder, big mac, double down burger, guacamole burger and a famour star), 2 kg of sexy slender bacon strips (2 weaves, 20 solo strips and the rest was made into an omelette), a fuck load of assorted souse from assorted fat food joints (curry and BBQ from macs, house dressing, tartar and honey mustard from Carl's Jr, and the amazing chicken rice souse from the awesome bar called Third & Sixth), a fuck load of cheese and obviously more than enough Bromance from everyone. Cant handle it? DEAL WITH IT. It was truly a great day for everyone who contributed to the success of this awesome operation. The guys for planning and getting the food, myself for being the only one who was confident enough to cook all the uncooked food and obviously the guys on youtube who has inspired us to try something crazy like this. Here is to you guys, thks for filling my entire weekend with the 3 Bs a guy cant live without, Beer, Bacon and Bromance. Looking forward to the next epic shit we are going to do next time.
I would like to end this short post with the verse from the classic song Imagine "You may I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."
Enough about me raging on how people are slowing killing off the things i like, I actually want to talk about my dreams. To those who know me, the one thing i really loved about the marvel portrayed Tony Stark/ Ironman was the fact he was an inventor. Someone who wanted to create things to help society, to create things to revolutionize the way we handle things. Cutting to the point, I always wanted to be like him. No, i do not aim to build an ironman suit, but more towards his other inventions. For one, I never believed that J.A.R.V.I.S was an impossible thing. And I am just talking about the inter-phase of the system. Changing the way we view and use technology. Imagine instead of using stationary computers, you would actually be walking around while you do your work, instead of limiting yourself to a 2-D screen, you could be walking around in an 3-D environment. And this is just the tip of the iceberg, i strongly believe that there is so much we can offer to society if we actually tried. I dream that one day, we would be able to enjoy technology like that and I would really want to say that i contributed to the next technological revolution. Hopefully, my dream can be realised after i am done with my studies in NTU in a few years time
On the more awesome side of this post, I would also like to talk about a dream that was fulfilled. A dream of several young adults that seemed so crazy or even impossible to some. A dream to actually experience an epic meal time, just like those vids on youtube. A dream consisting of 6 burgers (double mac spicy, double quarter pounder, big mac, double down burger, guacamole burger and a famour star), 2 kg of sexy slender bacon strips (2 weaves, 20 solo strips and the rest was made into an omelette), a fuck load of assorted souse from assorted fat food joints (curry and BBQ from macs, house dressing, tartar and honey mustard from Carl's Jr, and the amazing chicken rice souse from the awesome bar called Third & Sixth), a fuck load of cheese and obviously more than enough Bromance from everyone. Cant handle it? DEAL WITH IT. It was truly a great day for everyone who contributed to the success of this awesome operation. The guys for planning and getting the food, myself for being the only one who was confident enough to cook all the uncooked food and obviously the guys on youtube who has inspired us to try something crazy like this. Here is to you guys, thks for filling my entire weekend with the 3 Bs a guy cant live without, Beer, Bacon and Bromance. Looking forward to the next epic shit we are going to do next time.
I would like to end this short post with the verse from the classic song Imagine "You may I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."
Wednesday 1 May 2013
Some reasons why i dont want to live on this planet anymore.
Recently, I was watching old movies from the American Pie series, Superbad, Eurotrip, etc... and listening to old school music like sum41, and Fall Out Boy. To many people, esp the teenagers in society, these sort of things would normally be considered old and stupid due to fucked up logic like lack of swag or a lack of pretty boys. In this post, i will be expressing how i feel about certain things in society.
I am pretty disappointed with the way people tend to see things nowadays, esp when it came to things like taste in movies and music, even in the gaming industry.
I will start off with movies. The most common example I am going to talk about is the twilight series. To be honest, i never really hated the storyline. It was the characters and the way the media chooses to show them. For example, lets take a look at the character Edward Cullen. I think when the character was being created in the thought process, what the writer thought would have made him popular was the way he was supposed to be the protagonist in the whole series, a vegan vampire who was supposed to find and have forbidden love with a human. To be able to fight the temptations of sucking the life out of her and to actually find love in a hopeless situation. What the media did, was simply take Robert Pattinson and made him into a disco ball. (I bet some of the girls never knew his real name and just remembered him as Edward) Even Robert himself said that if he wasnt acting in the series itself, he would have hated the movies. Which just goes to show something. Other Characters like Bella Swan. Honestly, as much as we all hate the way she doesnt show much expression and only knows how to whine and just moap around when she couldn't decide between a vampire or a werewolf dick, i honestly cant help but to feel some of us out there really are like that in real life. I, for one would admit that sometimes I feel and behave that way. However, what pisses me off is the fact that what type of example do you want to set for people, esp for those who cant think for themselves and often let themselves be influenced by the media? Imagine this, i am a 14 year old girl who just watched twilight, then i think to myself, maybe if i moap around a handsome guy, he will come back at me? To you feminist out there, this is one reason why i still feel your argument is partially invalid. Movies like Harry Potter and Hunger Games show and exhibit heroines who actually do shit and earn respect. And if girls nowadays are just gonna follow the example of Bella, you are not even giving yourselves a chance to show that you are equal or even bigger than males. Dont get me wrong ok? I dont see females as lesser beings than males. Its just that we all excel in different aspects of life and i want to keep my opinions this way.
Music is another thing that I am becoming more and more speechless about. I am a 22 year old who listens to all assortments of music, ranging from metal and classical, to genres like jazz and even some trance. But i am wondering where our current train of musical progress is headed to. Music in the past used to be ways that musicians express how they felt about the world and how they saw it in ways that we couldn't. Modern music nowadays would simply just talk about how much I wanna fuck this girl or somehow receive pleasure of a sexual nature (from a male artist POV) or simply how I wanna find a boy who will love me forever and make me some sort of queen for the rest of my life so i dont need to ever work hard for the rest of my life or simply just another breakup song saying how i dont wanna be hurt by another guy who pretends to be nice to me so he cant have a pretty face to jerk off to (from a girl POV). Music in the past would actually mean something and a way of life for some people. It used to talk about things that really mattered and things that the artist felt that he could not express simply using words. Examples include John Lennon's Imagine. Such a classic example talking about world peace, where everything and everyone got along. I am sure many, if not all would want an utopia like that. Now we just got Nicki Minaj's way of telling us that spaceships were meant to fly. To me, music is almost dead as its a constant way of making cheap money of people who are submissive to popular demand. Music is supposed to be an expression and a gateway of expressing feelings, hence the saying that music is supposed to be food for the soul. And if lust and stupidity is all we are trying to feed our souls now, then all i can do is watch as the image our musical elders worked so hard over 3 generations to build just crumble down to simple yet so destructive force. In 30 years time, I wouldn't blame my kids if they come home from a Justin Bieber reunion tour or concert telling me that they hated me for listening to things like that.
When it comes to gaming, i would say that this paragraph is meant more for the local regions, mainly the SEA server. First of all, i think its perfectly fine the way most of society plays games like Blackshot, Audition, etc... Its just the people you meet that wanna make you wish sometimes you were living somewhere else. For starters, i would say the people you meet in lan shops. They are mainly nice people who wanna find a place to game and enjoy themselves, regardless of race, age and gender. You have the illegal sec and pri school kids going there (usually in some school shirt or something), the loner white collared working adult who somehow does not have a GF/wife and chooses to spend excessive time in the shop. You also have the constant regular customers who visits almost everyday and do much but to just fill up a slot at a shop permanently. Now comes the main group of people who make everyone else feel regret for coming to a lan shop. These people are the ones with anger issues and often makes gaming in places feel stupid and fucked up. You have girls who cant play audition well, they start banging the key board when they somehow feel that the keyboard isnt sensitive enough. FUCK YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU ARE AT A FUCKING LAN SHOP, EVERY FUCKING DAY THERE ARE AT LEAST A DOZEN DIFFERENT PEOPLE USING THE COM 24/7, OBVIOUSLY AFTER A WHILE THE KEYBOARD LOSES ITS SENSITIVITY. SLAMMING IT ISNT GOING TO SOLVE THE ISSUE, JUST MAKING IT WORSE IN THE LONG RUN. WANNA KNOW SOMETHING? I REALLY HOPE YOU BREAK A NAIL OR SOMETHING SLAMMING THOSE ANOREXIC FINGERS AGAINST THE POOR KEYBOARD. You also meet the typical stereotypical beng in the shop, the ones who simply only know how to play one role in games like Dota2 or LOL, the carry of the team. I used to rmb one time i sat next to a guy playing Dota (few years ago), where he would actually just pick SF and go mid. If he died giving first blood, leave game. If he got items and could not own due to skillful juking and kiting from opponent team, he would just leave game. I mean wow... These are the type of typical players who would accuse you of a KS when he couldnt get the kill if the opponent died or simply a call you a noob for not being able to secure the kill. See the logic? Its either I am a KS king, or some noob who doesnt know how to play. Fuck logic right? To people like that outside, you wanna know what KS means to me? Its not kill steal, its kill secure, so deal with it.
Its really sad to see the way society has progressed over time as I grew up. We were supposed to become a better more advance society, but ironically, this whole post speaks for itself. Long gone were the days where you played teamwork games like Metal Slug and wouldnt rage when your partner had the last hit of the boss, where competitive play only existed in games like Marvel VS Capcom or mortal combat. I have seen the evolution of music, where in the past where music actually sounded like music and meant something to both listeners and artist. After seeing so much society had become over the years, i am simply curious about how it will progress in years to come from now. Just some food for thought and some way to let off steam before i head to bed.
I am pretty disappointed with the way people tend to see things nowadays, esp when it came to things like taste in movies and music, even in the gaming industry.
I will start off with movies. The most common example I am going to talk about is the twilight series. To be honest, i never really hated the storyline. It was the characters and the way the media chooses to show them. For example, lets take a look at the character Edward Cullen. I think when the character was being created in the thought process, what the writer thought would have made him popular was the way he was supposed to be the protagonist in the whole series, a vegan vampire who was supposed to find and have forbidden love with a human. To be able to fight the temptations of sucking the life out of her and to actually find love in a hopeless situation. What the media did, was simply take Robert Pattinson and made him into a disco ball. (I bet some of the girls never knew his real name and just remembered him as Edward) Even Robert himself said that if he wasnt acting in the series itself, he would have hated the movies. Which just goes to show something. Other Characters like Bella Swan. Honestly, as much as we all hate the way she doesnt show much expression and only knows how to whine and just moap around when she couldn't decide between a vampire or a werewolf dick, i honestly cant help but to feel some of us out there really are like that in real life. I, for one would admit that sometimes I feel and behave that way. However, what pisses me off is the fact that what type of example do you want to set for people, esp for those who cant think for themselves and often let themselves be influenced by the media? Imagine this, i am a 14 year old girl who just watched twilight, then i think to myself, maybe if i moap around a handsome guy, he will come back at me? To you feminist out there, this is one reason why i still feel your argument is partially invalid. Movies like Harry Potter and Hunger Games show and exhibit heroines who actually do shit and earn respect. And if girls nowadays are just gonna follow the example of Bella, you are not even giving yourselves a chance to show that you are equal or even bigger than males. Dont get me wrong ok? I dont see females as lesser beings than males. Its just that we all excel in different aspects of life and i want to keep my opinions this way.
Music is another thing that I am becoming more and more speechless about. I am a 22 year old who listens to all assortments of music, ranging from metal and classical, to genres like jazz and even some trance. But i am wondering where our current train of musical progress is headed to. Music in the past used to be ways that musicians express how they felt about the world and how they saw it in ways that we couldn't. Modern music nowadays would simply just talk about how much I wanna fuck this girl or somehow receive pleasure of a sexual nature (from a male artist POV) or simply how I wanna find a boy who will love me forever and make me some sort of queen for the rest of my life so i dont need to ever work hard for the rest of my life or simply just another breakup song saying how i dont wanna be hurt by another guy who pretends to be nice to me so he cant have a pretty face to jerk off to (from a girl POV). Music in the past would actually mean something and a way of life for some people. It used to talk about things that really mattered and things that the artist felt that he could not express simply using words. Examples include John Lennon's Imagine. Such a classic example talking about world peace, where everything and everyone got along. I am sure many, if not all would want an utopia like that. Now we just got Nicki Minaj's way of telling us that spaceships were meant to fly. To me, music is almost dead as its a constant way of making cheap money of people who are submissive to popular demand. Music is supposed to be an expression and a gateway of expressing feelings, hence the saying that music is supposed to be food for the soul. And if lust and stupidity is all we are trying to feed our souls now, then all i can do is watch as the image our musical elders worked so hard over 3 generations to build just crumble down to simple yet so destructive force. In 30 years time, I wouldn't blame my kids if they come home from a Justin Bieber reunion tour or concert telling me that they hated me for listening to things like that.
When it comes to gaming, i would say that this paragraph is meant more for the local regions, mainly the SEA server. First of all, i think its perfectly fine the way most of society plays games like Blackshot, Audition, etc... Its just the people you meet that wanna make you wish sometimes you were living somewhere else. For starters, i would say the people you meet in lan shops. They are mainly nice people who wanna find a place to game and enjoy themselves, regardless of race, age and gender. You have the illegal sec and pri school kids going there (usually in some school shirt or something), the loner white collared working adult who somehow does not have a GF/wife and chooses to spend excessive time in the shop. You also have the constant regular customers who visits almost everyday and do much but to just fill up a slot at a shop permanently. Now comes the main group of people who make everyone else feel regret for coming to a lan shop. These people are the ones with anger issues and often makes gaming in places feel stupid and fucked up. You have girls who cant play audition well, they start banging the key board when they somehow feel that the keyboard isnt sensitive enough. FUCK YOU UNDERSTAND? YOU ARE AT A FUCKING LAN SHOP, EVERY FUCKING DAY THERE ARE AT LEAST A DOZEN DIFFERENT PEOPLE USING THE COM 24/7, OBVIOUSLY AFTER A WHILE THE KEYBOARD LOSES ITS SENSITIVITY. SLAMMING IT ISNT GOING TO SOLVE THE ISSUE, JUST MAKING IT WORSE IN THE LONG RUN. WANNA KNOW SOMETHING? I REALLY HOPE YOU BREAK A NAIL OR SOMETHING SLAMMING THOSE ANOREXIC FINGERS AGAINST THE POOR KEYBOARD. You also meet the typical stereotypical beng in the shop, the ones who simply only know how to play one role in games like Dota2 or LOL, the carry of the team. I used to rmb one time i sat next to a guy playing Dota (few years ago), where he would actually just pick SF and go mid. If he died giving first blood, leave game. If he got items and could not own due to skillful juking and kiting from opponent team, he would just leave game. I mean wow... These are the type of typical players who would accuse you of a KS when he couldnt get the kill if the opponent died or simply a call you a noob for not being able to secure the kill. See the logic? Its either I am a KS king, or some noob who doesnt know how to play. Fuck logic right? To people like that outside, you wanna know what KS means to me? Its not kill steal, its kill secure, so deal with it.
Its really sad to see the way society has progressed over time as I grew up. We were supposed to become a better more advance society, but ironically, this whole post speaks for itself. Long gone were the days where you played teamwork games like Metal Slug and wouldnt rage when your partner had the last hit of the boss, where competitive play only existed in games like Marvel VS Capcom or mortal combat. I have seen the evolution of music, where in the past where music actually sounded like music and meant something to both listeners and artist. After seeing so much society had become over the years, i am simply curious about how it will progress in years to come from now. Just some food for thought and some way to let off steam before i head to bed.
Sunday 28 April 2013
things to study in the past, to learn in the present and to use in the future
Its been 3 years since I used this blog, and reading the last few posts, i feel obligated to inform whoever is reading this new post that it wont me much different. The past few years were simply a time where the young, playful and not too wise Chen learned harsh lessons about life, it being in the army, at work, or simply at points of time and locations anywhere under the sky, to transform maybe into a little more mature Chen (or Che for the guys now) who knew that life wasn't so much of a fairy tale the previous form knew. Ok anyway, my reasons for posting this is simple. Firstly, I feel a need to express feelings and thoughts in ways i cant do physically. A way to let people who know me understand to some extent what is going on my mind. Secondly, i am trying to revive this blog and to make it a habit to blog weekly, so as to keep track of my own personal growth, to see how I develop, to see how the perspective of things around me change with time. In short, this would once again serve as a public diary of this fat kid.
Anyway, the past 3 years of my life can be summed up in a few sentences. I finished JC and managed to land a slot into a local Uni, enlisted, went through army as an Armored Tech, met new friends, went overseas for a military exercise, finished army, got my pink IC, worked for a while selling laptops in various polys and now i am simply another guy behind the computer screen. When it came to things like relationships (something my readers always found interesting), the story is never anything new. I always start to like someone, i become too passive, get friendzoned, cry and die a little inside as I watch her get tgt with someone else when i know i could have been the one if i actually put in more effort and grew some balls to actually do something with her, I move on, etc... In short, there isn't many major interesting things that has happened to me these past few years. Its just the small things that all add up to make it worth remembering. However, i want this post to be a solid reminder to myself about the things i have learned so far, esp the past few weeks.
1) There are somethings that you can control and somethings you cant, learn to tell them apart.
this kinda explains itself actually. I realised this during work recently. In life, somethings you obviously can control, and there would obviously be things that you cant. And if you cant tell them apart, then its not going to be easy getting a hold of your life. For example, during work, things you can control would be speech patterns and the way you market your products across to consumers. Things you cant control would be the flow of fucked up customers who only know how to tell you that they are just browsing, only to appear at the booth next to you talking to another promoter (fyi, I FUCKING HATE THESE SORT OF PEOPLE, JUST FUCK OFF SERIOUSLY CAN, NOT INTERESTED THEN SAY, YOU DONT WANT ME TO SERVE YOU THEN JUST SAY, DONT ACT INTERESTED AND ASK FOR A PAMPHLET THEN JUST WALK AWAY JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE BUYING, FUCK YOU MAN, PEOPLE LIKE THESE, THEY ALWAYS NVR KNOW WHATS GOING ON AND ONLY WANNA ACT SMART IN FRONT OF ME. SO YOU GUYS CAN SUCK MY DICK IF YOU ACTUALLY BOUGHT SOMETHING YOU NVR LIKED BECAUSE THE OTHER PROMOTERS OF OTHER BRANDS KNEW HOW TO TICKLE YOUR BALLS OR LICK YOUR TITS JUST TO EARN A MEASLY FUCKING 3 DOLLAR COMMISSION.) Point is, when you know what your limits are, you would be better off.
2) Confidence
I was recently quite surprised that despite coming from a JC where i was once know for being one of the biggest social butterfly, I actually lacked the ability to exhibit confidence like many of my fellow friends and peers did. Some scholars would actually argue that that is the main reason people like me are technically still single despite the years of persistent trying. But honestly, I have Darren and Wen Chuen (sort of) to thank. Darren for pushing me to be more ballsy and to be more confident with the people i interact with in my daily life. WC for providing me with my previous job as it required me to talk and get comfortable with total random strangers just to make money. Yes, i do feel more confident when talking to people now, esp when it came to females. (fyi, i actually managed to get a girl's no recently due to this new confidence thingy, but its kinda over between us, so dont ask yea? point is that confidence is important and can achieve shit like this.)
3) Those who long to change their past, often forget their ability to shape their future
This also occurred to me during the period of time when i was working. There would be days where I literally get shit sales while my colleagues actually score free double or triple kills. Its very sickening and upsetting to see things like that happen. I would actually whine and bitch to one of my close friend who was also working with me about it. Whining and bitching about it wasn't the main problem. Not doing anything about it was. Now that i look back, it was silly of me to just continue to wish that i had better sales and to be jealous of my colleagues, it wouldn't change. What i could have done was simply to pick myself up, and just pressed on, because the time wasted whining to others could have been spent making another sale, which would be one less reason to feel upset or fucked up at the end of the day.
4)Its ok to cry over split milk, just remember to pick yourself up
I think this is the part where most of my readers would actually be interested in. The part where i add in elements such as females and heartbreak. Here is some background info. We met online like a few months ago, shortly after chinese new year. Kinda talked and felt weird at first? but who knew things would get complex in the future. I would actually say that she is like (in some weird fetish way) an almost perfect match according to my standards. I mean, i wholeheartly feel that i would not be able to find another girl like this in quite sometime. A gamer girl who loves food, esp Bacon, FUCKING DOUBLE MC SPICY and more or less have the same way of thinking when it came to certain things in life. Yea, things like that would actually be quite hard for me to let go without a fight. Anyway, point is I actually lost the fight before it even started. I found out she liked someone else a few days ago, and I think they just got tgt? My heart felt empty as it crumbled again. I was angry, upset, confused and feeling pretty much any form of emotion that could be considered negative for the past few days. (So guys, guess the cat is out of the bag. haha. and its not as though i didnt wanna tell you guys, i felt it wasnt the right time, so cheers whoever reads this post and finds out about it). The hurt was horrible, simply because i felt so foolish for not realising and taking precautions when i chose to step into the arena. To lose to someone because of the time factor, its really a feeling not to be messed with. And what was puzzling me was that i have never felt this degree of hurt in my life. I thought it was bad regarding the pris incident already, but this case just proved it wrong only. I have only known this girl for so long compared to my other cases. I have spent the past few nights in bed thinking to myself, beating myself up for always being the friend but nvr something more, beating myself up because i kept on thinking how happy i could have made someone feel if only a chance was given, and not those chances that turned out to be a trap. (btw, i dont hate her or anyone, i just feel bitter and a need to express myself if not i might just die one day due to missing my sanity, so if you are reading this and it affects you one way or another, please dont be offended. I still love her as a friend and i am sure the feeling is mutual for both of us and i think she is still an awesome bacon sibling.).
In a nutshell, i was a wreck and a mess inside, to make things worse, i couldnt really talk to anyone about it as i felt it wasnt time for the rest of the guys to know whats going on. More or less, it was an emotional crisis that i had to solve on my own. As I slowly stonned and died inside, i remembered that, hey, things would always get better. If it was meant to be, it would have been. If he can make you happy and not me, then its your loss because i know myself that i would make someone very happy one day, and it just so happens it wont be you for now. Slowly, i just decided to fuck it all, move on, and to be honest, i am still a little shaky inside, but i feel so much better after thinking it through hard and not so obviously with the help of my bros who were always there to force a smile on my face whether they knew the situation or not. I wanna move on, to meet new people and hey, i dont believe i can nvr find another girl whom i can go retarded and fall crazily in love again. Its simply a matter of mindset.
To this girl, i wanna say this to you, "I maybe sad we aren't together, but i am still glad we met."
The point i am trying to make is that the faster you get over the shit feeling that your problems are the biggest in the world and no one can understand or help you get over it, the faster you can tackle it and move on to find other things in life to live for.
This is the end of this post and hopefully after reading all these, i hope the people who still visits this blog can learn a thing or two from the experiences i had. these 4 points are just the top of the list of many things i wanna share with the world and the people i care about out there. But i cant due to the fact that its too many. But these 4 are one of the better more recent learning points i have to offer already. So gd nite and cheers for many more posts to come.
Anyway, the past 3 years of my life can be summed up in a few sentences. I finished JC and managed to land a slot into a local Uni, enlisted, went through army as an Armored Tech, met new friends, went overseas for a military exercise, finished army, got my pink IC, worked for a while selling laptops in various polys and now i am simply another guy behind the computer screen. When it came to things like relationships (something my readers always found interesting), the story is never anything new. I always start to like someone, i become too passive, get friendzoned, cry and die a little inside as I watch her get tgt with someone else when i know i could have been the one if i actually put in more effort and grew some balls to actually do something with her, I move on, etc... In short, there isn't many major interesting things that has happened to me these past few years. Its just the small things that all add up to make it worth remembering. However, i want this post to be a solid reminder to myself about the things i have learned so far, esp the past few weeks.
1) There are somethings that you can control and somethings you cant, learn to tell them apart.
this kinda explains itself actually. I realised this during work recently. In life, somethings you obviously can control, and there would obviously be things that you cant. And if you cant tell them apart, then its not going to be easy getting a hold of your life. For example, during work, things you can control would be speech patterns and the way you market your products across to consumers. Things you cant control would be the flow of fucked up customers who only know how to tell you that they are just browsing, only to appear at the booth next to you talking to another promoter (fyi, I FUCKING HATE THESE SORT OF PEOPLE, JUST FUCK OFF SERIOUSLY CAN, NOT INTERESTED THEN SAY, YOU DONT WANT ME TO SERVE YOU THEN JUST SAY, DONT ACT INTERESTED AND ASK FOR A PAMPHLET THEN JUST WALK AWAY JUST BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU KNOW WHAT YOU ARE BUYING, FUCK YOU MAN, PEOPLE LIKE THESE, THEY ALWAYS NVR KNOW WHATS GOING ON AND ONLY WANNA ACT SMART IN FRONT OF ME. SO YOU GUYS CAN SUCK MY DICK IF YOU ACTUALLY BOUGHT SOMETHING YOU NVR LIKED BECAUSE THE OTHER PROMOTERS OF OTHER BRANDS KNEW HOW TO TICKLE YOUR BALLS OR LICK YOUR TITS JUST TO EARN A MEASLY FUCKING 3 DOLLAR COMMISSION.) Point is, when you know what your limits are, you would be better off.
2) Confidence
I was recently quite surprised that despite coming from a JC where i was once know for being one of the biggest social butterfly, I actually lacked the ability to exhibit confidence like many of my fellow friends and peers did. Some scholars would actually argue that that is the main reason people like me are technically still single despite the years of persistent trying. But honestly, I have Darren and Wen Chuen (sort of) to thank. Darren for pushing me to be more ballsy and to be more confident with the people i interact with in my daily life. WC for providing me with my previous job as it required me to talk and get comfortable with total random strangers just to make money. Yes, i do feel more confident when talking to people now, esp when it came to females. (fyi, i actually managed to get a girl's no recently due to this new confidence thingy, but its kinda over between us, so dont ask yea? point is that confidence is important and can achieve shit like this.)
3) Those who long to change their past, often forget their ability to shape their future
This also occurred to me during the period of time when i was working. There would be days where I literally get shit sales while my colleagues actually score free double or triple kills. Its very sickening and upsetting to see things like that happen. I would actually whine and bitch to one of my close friend who was also working with me about it. Whining and bitching about it wasn't the main problem. Not doing anything about it was. Now that i look back, it was silly of me to just continue to wish that i had better sales and to be jealous of my colleagues, it wouldn't change. What i could have done was simply to pick myself up, and just pressed on, because the time wasted whining to others could have been spent making another sale, which would be one less reason to feel upset or fucked up at the end of the day.
4)Its ok to cry over split milk, just remember to pick yourself up
I think this is the part where most of my readers would actually be interested in. The part where i add in elements such as females and heartbreak. Here is some background info. We met online like a few months ago, shortly after chinese new year. Kinda talked and felt weird at first? but who knew things would get complex in the future. I would actually say that she is like (in some weird fetish way) an almost perfect match according to my standards. I mean, i wholeheartly feel that i would not be able to find another girl like this in quite sometime. A gamer girl who loves food, esp Bacon, FUCKING DOUBLE MC SPICY and more or less have the same way of thinking when it came to certain things in life. Yea, things like that would actually be quite hard for me to let go without a fight. Anyway, point is I actually lost the fight before it even started. I found out she liked someone else a few days ago, and I think they just got tgt? My heart felt empty as it crumbled again. I was angry, upset, confused and feeling pretty much any form of emotion that could be considered negative for the past few days. (So guys, guess the cat is out of the bag. haha. and its not as though i didnt wanna tell you guys, i felt it wasnt the right time, so cheers whoever reads this post and finds out about it). The hurt was horrible, simply because i felt so foolish for not realising and taking precautions when i chose to step into the arena. To lose to someone because of the time factor, its really a feeling not to be messed with. And what was puzzling me was that i have never felt this degree of hurt in my life. I thought it was bad regarding the pris incident already, but this case just proved it wrong only. I have only known this girl for so long compared to my other cases. I have spent the past few nights in bed thinking to myself, beating myself up for always being the friend but nvr something more, beating myself up because i kept on thinking how happy i could have made someone feel if only a chance was given, and not those chances that turned out to be a trap. (btw, i dont hate her or anyone, i just feel bitter and a need to express myself if not i might just die one day due to missing my sanity, so if you are reading this and it affects you one way or another, please dont be offended. I still love her as a friend and i am sure the feeling is mutual for both of us and i think she is still an awesome bacon sibling.).
In a nutshell, i was a wreck and a mess inside, to make things worse, i couldnt really talk to anyone about it as i felt it wasnt time for the rest of the guys to know whats going on. More or less, it was an emotional crisis that i had to solve on my own. As I slowly stonned and died inside, i remembered that, hey, things would always get better. If it was meant to be, it would have been. If he can make you happy and not me, then its your loss because i know myself that i would make someone very happy one day, and it just so happens it wont be you for now. Slowly, i just decided to fuck it all, move on, and to be honest, i am still a little shaky inside, but i feel so much better after thinking it through hard and not so obviously with the help of my bros who were always there to force a smile on my face whether they knew the situation or not. I wanna move on, to meet new people and hey, i dont believe i can nvr find another girl whom i can go retarded and fall crazily in love again. Its simply a matter of mindset.
To this girl, i wanna say this to you, "I maybe sad we aren't together, but i am still glad we met."
The point i am trying to make is that the faster you get over the shit feeling that your problems are the biggest in the world and no one can understand or help you get over it, the faster you can tackle it and move on to find other things in life to live for.
This is the end of this post and hopefully after reading all these, i hope the people who still visits this blog can learn a thing or two from the experiences i had. these 4 points are just the top of the list of many things i wanna share with the world and the people i care about out there. But i cant due to the fact that its too many. But these 4 are one of the better more recent learning points i have to offer already. So gd nite and cheers for many more posts to come.
When life gives you lemons, you fuck it over and cook yourself some bacon.
Saturday 2 January 2010
The New Year Resolutions.
2009 had their ups and downs, mainly they were ups, and i was glad that i was able to live my life to the fullest during the past one year. Even though the emotional scars of the downs never fail to fade away, i am simply comforted with the fact that there are others around me who can help me forget that pain. All i wish for the year 2010, is for it to be a better year for all. To my friends who are entering army. I wish i could be there to support but i can't. The A's hurdle is just up ahead, but i will see you next year.
To my retainee friends who made it through round 1 with me, I wish we could all study harder together, and simply ace what we came to school for. To my best friends, i wish you all the best in your lives, it being an army one, a poly one, a JC education and even an ITE one. I may not be there physically with you guys, but i want you all to know that i am always here for you all. To this girl i know, i hope you are able to make the proper decisions in your life regarding what you want to do. What you decide is what you choose to do, and in the end, i will have no say in your choice. I just hope you do not regret what you choose in the end, like i always told you.
Last but not least, i want to wish another girl the best of her life. Without her, i might have gone insane from all the problems i face in my daily life, esp during the time of my birthday. To put it simply, words cannot express how much i feel and wanna thank her. She might not know it, but she is going down in MY history book. And often, i came to a point where i want to tell her how i felt about things. But there was never a perfect moment where i could, there would be the presence of other friends, the mood isn't there, its too early to do so etc... I hope 2010 would provide me with the opportunities and courage to do so.
I would like to end my post with my new year resolutions.
1) I WILL lose more weight.
2) I WILL study harder for my A's
3) I WILL play less games
4) I WILL attempt to get a girlfriend
5) I MUST pass NAPHA test
6) I will be more fun loving
7) I will make a scene during prom this year
Wednesday 16 December 2009
dé·jà vu
dé·jà vu: An impression of having seen or experienced something before.
My thoughts exactly right now. As i looked back for the past few months, I've seen the rise of weak friendships to strong ones, and fall of extremely strong ones. And simply what i am currently seeing, i am always having the constant fear of history repeating itself. Some of you guys might know what happened to me a few months ago, some of you guys don't. But i feel its a general experience worth sharing, as some of people might be going through something similar.
Have you ever loved someone with all your heart, but eventually got nothing out of it? You can ask me personally on fb or msn, its nothing new to me. But what so painful for me to recall is that not only did my friendship with that person worsen, it simply crashed down. Just like the way the Uno Stacko game works, only that this block couldn't be rebuilt, unlike most other scenarios.
It all started back 2 plus years ago. We met by chance and were simply good friends who loved to talk on the phone. Until a few months ago, (roughly around Febuary there?) did we start to get a little more intense. I mean, talking till 4 on msn everyday was just some of the things we did, but we never went beyond the friendship boundaries. I guess she didn't want anything beyond that despite knowing the fact that i cared for her as more than a close friend. If i'm not wrong, she was or is currently into another guy from another school? (no names mentioned, and i wont say either, its against my morals, so dun bother asking me who) but it didn't really worry me that much, i was pretty much happy to be able to spend time with her. Time passed, and i guess she grew tired of me as we began to talk less, our sms hardly got through to each other, etc... As they say, it takes 2 hands to clap, if one side was unwilling, i guess there was nothing i could do either.
Things changed when i re-established my friendship with another girl. A girl whom i met while i was working at Marks And Spencer exactly 2 years ago. We weren't really close, simply hi-bye friends whom i occasionally talk to just to maintain the friendship. I guessed it was God's way of telling me to try to move on or like to keep me distracted from the heart pain i guess? Cuz, simply, due to an event (it was a group outing organised by me for my workmates that was promoted by her) that we started talking more often? Then that eventful day came.
That day started out as a harmless one, in fact, it was supposed to be a special one for me as it was my birthday, but thats not the main point. normally one would receive birthday messages and gifts, but fuck, i sure got one hell of a present this year (thks guys btw) and if you are interested, read my previous post.
That day turned around during dinner time when i received an sms from her. Things got ugly when she found out the truth about how i felt about our friendship. She got upset as she felt that i didn't care much about her. Truth was simply 1) i didn't have feelings as someone i liked towards her. 2) i still care alot as a friend no matter what. 3) i owed her the truth. I didn't want to simply lie to her about this. I was hoping that she would understand how i felt regarding our situation. But i guess she didn't. I tried to tell her as best as i could without breaking hearts. She never talked to me since then. I was at loss during that moment. I tried calling a mutual friend we both knew, hoping she could help me out. Our friend agreed to help after her A's. I patiently waited for 2 months (A's were already over that time), hoping that things would have cooled down and maybe we could have rebuilt my friendship with her. But it didn't turn out well.
Our mutual friend couldn't help much too, simply, she didn't want to talk to her about what happened between us. I know you girls are emotional and all, but must you go through all this to avoid clearing the air? What did i ever do to deserve this treatment? Was it a crime to tell someone the truth? Sure it hurts when its heard, but don't you think i had a hard time myself trying to express her i felt in words? And why couldn't she put all that behind her and just forget about it. I already apologized to her for hurting her that day, i would have rather hurt her then than to lie about how i felt and simply throw her off track. It wouldn't be fair for our friendship. I wanted to be friends with her again, not only because i miss talking to her, but i really simply missed her as a friend (plus she still has my hard drive which she has not returned and i really really really really really really really really needed it back). But i wasn't sure if i could do it.
WHY? I WAS SIMPLY LOSING MY MIND. SLOWLY BUT STEADY, AT FIRST, SHE PUZZLED ME WITH ALL THOSE MIXED SIGNALS, CONFUSED, I DIDN'T KNOW IF I SHOULD HAVE GONE FURTHER. THAT ALONE ALREADY CAUSED ME SOO MUCH PAIN AND CONFUSION. AND NOW SHE HAS TO PLAY MIND GAMES LIKE THIS TO ME, SIMPLY CAUSE I CARED FOR HER AND DIDN'T WANT TO HURT HER SO I TOLD HER THE TRUTH ABOUT HOW I FELT. SOMEONE JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO MAN. SO MANY COUNTLESS NIGHTS, I WONDERED AND PONDERED WHAT DID I DO AND WHAT DID I NOT DO. THE MANY THINGS THAT MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE DONE SO AS TO AVOID ALL THESE PROBLEMS. THE COUNTLESS TIMES I SIMPLY STARED AT THE EMPTY SKY, TRYING TO DIVERT MYSELF AWAY FROM ALL THESE PAIN, BUT ALWAYS TO NO AVAIL. MANY PEOPLE TELL ME TO IGNORE HER, TO KEEP AWAY FROM HER, TO FORGET ABOUT IT. BUT THEN ITS NOT VERY EASY FOR ME YOU KNOW? AT ONE POINT OF TIME, I REALLY DID CARE FOR SOMEONE, AND TRUST ME, IT AIN'T EASY FOR YOU TO FORGET SOMEONE YOU LOVE. AND I SIMPLY DON'T WANT TO FORGET HER, SIMPLY BECAUSE I RATHER HAVE HER AS A FRIEND (and i prefer it that way) THAT NOT TO KNOW HER AT ALL.
And now, as i sit on my bed, i can't help but to think about the past few months i spent with my work friend. She was kinda the only thing that kept me away from the clutches of insanity. And as i reflected on the past few months, i couldn't help but to pay more attention to her. I guess i do want to care for her, to give her the things i could have given to the other girl, to protect her, even to the extent giving my life up for her, to listen to her problems till they either ran away or she forgot about them, someone to laugh with, someone to care for and more importantly, someone to love. I guess i am starting to have weird emotional feelings now. And yet, as i look at my current situation, i also can't help but to think, dé·jà vu. Even though it may not meant to be, i didn't want to let go, but i was so afraid of losing her like how i lost one of my closest friends, that even a simply thing cant trigger me to become super fucking paranoid. I simply hope things will turn out better in the future, for all of us.
Quote of the day: "love isn't just a word, its a connection between 2 things, and what's important is how you hang on to and maintain that connection."
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