dé·jà vu

dé·jà vu: An impression of having seen or experienced something before.

My thoughts exactly right now. As i looked back for the past few months, I've seen the rise of weak friendships to strong ones, and fall of extremely strong ones. And simply what i am currently seeing, i am always having the constant fear of history repeating itself. Some of you guys might know what happened to me a few months ago, some of you guys don't. But i feel its a general experience worth sharing, as some of people might be going through something similar.

Have you ever loved someone with all your heart, but eventually got nothing out of it? You can ask me personally on fb or msn, its nothing new to me. But what so painful for me to recall is that not only did my friendship with that person worsen, it simply crashed down. Just like the way the Uno Stacko game works, only that this block couldn't be rebuilt, unlike most other scenarios.

It all started back 2 plus years ago. We met by chance and were simply good friends who loved to talk on the phone. Until a few months ago, (roughly around Febuary there?) did we start to get a little more intense. I mean, talking till 4 on msn everyday was just some of the things we did, but we never went beyond the friendship boundaries. I guess she didn't want anything beyond that despite knowing the fact that i cared for her as more than a close friend. If i'm not wrong, she was or is currently into another guy from another school? (no names mentioned, and i wont say either, its against my morals, so dun bother asking me who) but it didn't really worry me that much, i was pretty much happy to be able to spend time with her. Time passed, and i guess she grew tired of me as we began to talk less, our sms hardly got through to each other, etc... As they say, it takes 2 hands to clap, if one side was unwilling, i guess there was nothing i could do either.

Things changed when i re-established my friendship with another girl. A girl whom i met while i was working at Marks And Spencer exactly 2 years ago. We weren't really close, simply hi-bye friends whom i occasionally talk to just to maintain the friendship. I guessed it was God's way of telling me to try to move on or like to keep me distracted from the heart pain i guess? Cuz, simply, due to an event (it was a group outing organised by me for my workmates that was promoted by her) that we started talking more often? Then that eventful day came.

That day started out as a harmless one, in fact, it was supposed to be a special one for me as it was my birthday, but thats not the main point. normally one would receive birthday messages and gifts, but fuck, i sure got one hell of a present this year (thks guys btw) and if you are interested, read my previous post.

That day turned around during dinner time when i received an sms from her. Things got ugly when she found out the truth about how i felt about our friendship. She got upset as she felt that i didn't care much about her. Truth was simply 1) i didn't have feelings as someone i liked towards her. 2) i still care alot as a friend no matter what. 3) i owed her the truth. I didn't want to simply lie to her about this. I was hoping that she would understand how i felt regarding our situation. But i guess she didn't. I tried to tell her as best as i could without breaking hearts. She never talked to me since then. I was at loss during that moment. I tried calling a mutual friend we both knew, hoping she could help me out. Our friend agreed to help after her A's. I patiently waited for 2 months (A's were already over that time), hoping that things would have cooled down and maybe we could have rebuilt my friendship with her. But it didn't turn out well.

Our mutual friend couldn't help much too, simply, she didn't want to talk to her about what happened between us. I know you girls are emotional and all, but must you go through all this to avoid clearing the air? What did i ever do to deserve this treatment? Was it a crime to tell someone the truth? Sure it hurts when its heard, but don't you think i had a hard time myself trying to express her i felt in words? And why couldn't she put all that behind her and just forget about it. I already apologized to her for hurting her that day, i would have rather hurt her then than to lie about how i felt and simply throw her off track. It wouldn't be fair for our friendship. I wanted to be friends with her again, not only because i miss talking to her, but i really simply missed her as a friend (plus she still has my hard drive which she has not returned and i really really really really really really really really needed it back). But i wasn't sure if i could do it.

WHY? I WAS SIMPLY LOSING MY MIND. SLOWLY BUT STEADY, AT FIRST, SHE PUZZLED ME WITH ALL THOSE MIXED SIGNALS, CONFUSED, I DIDN'T KNOW IF I SHOULD HAVE GONE FURTHER. THAT ALONE ALREADY CAUSED ME SOO MUCH PAIN AND CONFUSION. AND NOW SHE HAS TO PLAY MIND GAMES LIKE THIS TO ME, SIMPLY CAUSE I CARED FOR HER AND DIDN'T WANT TO HURT HER SO I TOLD HER THE TRUTH ABOUT HOW I FELT. SOMEONE JUST FUCKING TELL ME WHAT TO DO MAN. SO MANY COUNTLESS NIGHTS, I WONDERED AND PONDERED WHAT DID I DO AND WHAT DID I NOT DO. THE MANY THINGS THAT MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE DONE SO AS TO AVOID ALL THESE PROBLEMS. THE COUNTLESS TIMES I SIMPLY STARED AT THE EMPTY SKY, TRYING TO DIVERT MYSELF AWAY FROM ALL THESE PAIN, BUT ALWAYS TO NO AVAIL. MANY PEOPLE TELL ME TO IGNORE HER, TO KEEP AWAY FROM HER, TO FORGET ABOUT IT. BUT THEN ITS NOT VERY EASY FOR ME YOU KNOW? AT ONE POINT OF TIME, I REALLY DID CARE FOR SOMEONE, AND TRUST ME, IT AIN'T EASY FOR YOU TO FORGET SOMEONE YOU LOVE. AND I SIMPLY DON'T WANT TO FORGET HER, SIMPLY BECAUSE I RATHER HAVE HER AS A FRIEND (and i prefer it that way) THAT NOT TO KNOW HER AT ALL.

And now, as i sit on my bed, i can't help but to think about the past few months i spent with my work friend. She was kinda the only thing that kept me away from the clutches of insanity. And as i reflected on the past few months, i couldn't help but to pay more attention to her. I guess i do want to care for her, to give her the things i could have given to the other girl, to protect her, even to the extent giving my life up for her, to listen to her problems till they either ran away or she forgot about them, someone to laugh with, someone to care for and more importantly, someone to love. I guess i am starting to have weird emotional feelings now. And yet, as i look at my current situation, i also can't help but to think, dé·jà vu. Even though it may not meant to be, i didn't want to let go, but i was so afraid of losing her like how i lost one of my closest friends, that even a simply thing cant trigger me to become super fucking paranoid. I simply hope things will turn out better in the future, for all of us.

Quote of the day: "love isn't just a word, its a connection between 2 things, and what's important is how you hang on to and maintain that connection."

A Lovely October to remember.

It was an erotic cake last year, this year, it was a surprise Mac Party. Seriously guys, i love you all man. This year, somehow i feel extremely happy for all my friends for putting so much effort into my birthday. A great thanks to TheCrew for planning the awesome party. The optimus suit you guys made was simply hilarious, the Mac Chicky was simply sweet and the games were seriously fun with you all (i only feel sorry for the hostess and that nurse to be. LOL!! XD) and the vid you guys made was ermm... really innovative and damm FUCKING FUNNY. Thanks Elliot, Jonathan Lee, Jasper, Arun, Darren, Xian Pin, Joel, Julian, Lynn and someone else i am not allowed to mention due to certain curcumstances for appearing at the mac party. Hope you guys can stay creative for next year's party, NO STRIPPERS OR HOOKERS PLS. Over night lan was hardcore as we played countless games of L4D and one fucked up match of Dota. Thks louis for appearing late and ps-ing me at the mac party, but i still love you bro. XD

A special thanks for a certain someone who i am not supposed to expose for accompanying me the entire afternoon to buy my berms and to do a little fun window shopping. Even though it was only 2 and half hours, i really enjoyed myself. Buying Jap Green tea at Diaso, buying of Breezers, the reddness that came after the bottle was emptied, the private tour i gave to you at Kovan. I sincerly hope we can have more fun times like that. =)

Big hugs to my friends, Fiona, Yeow Wei and Selina for the 4 hours of Kbox on thursday. I was surprised to see a birthday cake for me and yw. =) Even though we sang til our voices were hoarse, i am still glad i went that day. Hehe, must try to see Fiona try para again, too bad i was in the middle of my game, couldnt see her dance at all. Q.Q

Fuck you Joel Tan for the spastic idea of spraying me with party foam on friday, haha, quite funny sia, made a huge scene in school when i walked back to the study. haha, too bad Ding Zhi and Bryan wasnt there.

A warm welcome for Wei Ren, who has just returned back from China, hope you had fun (kinda obvious right?) during the 6 weeks you were there. Really missed you, sounds gay, but its the hard felt feelings i have.

In general, these few days that passed, i can say it was one of the best few days of my life.. so far. Thank you Sel and Fiona for the scrapebook you both made, Fiona for the self sewn birthday soft toy (its really gd, i think you have some serious skills in sewing. =)), Joel, Monica and the rest who bought me a twirling Spaghetti fork, Marian for a homemade birthday card, Lai Han for the little cute dinosaour toy from dunno which anime, MacDonalds for the Flash toys and everyone for their heart warming wishes. I will always love you guys!!! XD And a happy birthday in advance to Yw!!! Study hard, all the best to my J2 friends, A's coming soon, Jia You!!! The best of luck to my J1 friends, retaining isnt the end off the world, its a second chance to prove yourself, to my SP friends, it was a wonderful year, tuesday will be the day we own the school!!! To my poly friends, study hard too ok? Enjoy the rest of the year and one last time, thks alot for the things that you guys have done for me this few days!!! <3 you all!!!

thats what i get when i let my heart wins.

This post needs no explanation, the song explains all that is needed to know. Its dedicated to a close friend of mine and a person i care alot for. Here is All Again For You by We The Kings.



P.S do me a favour and try not to ask me who i am refering to.
PP.S for those who know, please keep quiet about it as i do not want to spoil anyone's name on this blog.
PPP.S fuck you kanye west, Taylor Swift is one of the best female singers of all time, go grow some balls and live with that fact. if you cant, do the world a favour and shoot yourself in the head. thks.

September

The month of September brings both many joys and sorrow. Its a month where i am reminded of many people who made a significant impact on my life. The good times, the bad times, and the shit times. You can maybe say it is because of my promos, sigh, they are always in September and often, i would remember times where i struggled desperately for my studies, esp during my secondary school years. But what enabled me to get through this tough period was not only thanks to my friends, but to my TEACHERS.

A very Happy Teacher's day to all my teachers from SRJC (Mr Thomas, Mdm Low, Mr Daniel Tan, Ms Karen Au, Mr Peter Goh, Mr Foo and all of the SRJC staff who has taught me before). I would not be coping without all of your help and would be extremely grateful if you would go leanient on my promos. =) And off course, who could forget all my marist teachers!!!! (Ms Koh, Ms Tan, Mrs Tan-Chin, Mrs Chan, Mr Goy, Ms Jazila, Mdm Lee Wan Yin and the rest of all the staff there!!)=))

This paragraph is dedicated to my fav teacher of all time, My secondary school physics teacher, Ms Sharon Tan. Many of you guys might be wondering why her and not someone else. The reason is becasue she is not only one of the best teachers i ever had, she was also the only teacher i would ever date. (MS TAN!!!! YOU STILL OWE ME LUNCH AT SUBWAY!!!!!) But seriously, the main reason i love her is beacuse she was one of the only teachers who would not give up despite how hopeless i seemed. She would encourage me despite the garden of F9s and would often scream me awake whenever i did not do my homework. She would take initiative to take time out to help me clear doubts and repeat concepts til her throat was dry. In short, she would be the dream teacher i always wanted. So cheers to you Ms Tan, for never failing to not make me fail physic. And its thanks to you that i can cope and understand H2 physics due to my foundation. SUBWAY SOOON OK? MS TAN???!!!!??!?!

So i end this short teacher's day post with a song that is specially dedicated to Ms Tan. What i go to school for by Busted. (NO, ITS NOT BY THE JONAS BROTHERS, YOU JONAS FAGS)

Thanksgiving, a day to be remembered.

Red tie, black shirt, chucks and jeans, topped off with a pair of Aviator sun glasses. Yup, that's what i wore on Friday, the day of my school thanksgiving. Like always, whats a concert without the moshing and the tao pok? Even though the concert wasnt as good as last year, what mattered to me the most was i had fun. Screaming was a norm whenever i attended concerts, screamed until my throat was really dry... Alloy and the gang were as usual crazy mood, knocking and banging on the floor non stop, haha, we really did wreck havock!!! Teachers, do me a favor and play in a band like you did last year for me next year ok? I want to be able to mosh... T__T (AHHHHHHH, SHE WORE PINK THAT DAY!!!!! SOOOO CUTEEEE!!!!) (Keith and Alton, upload my photos plzzzzz!!! THKs!)

Watched GI.Joe with Joel, Louis, Jeff, Ding Zhi and Bryan. Soso show, crappy story line, action a little burry, but still watchable. Haha. (Joel, i still think you look funny in those clothes! HAHAH!)

The next part of this post is recalling the hours right after the concert. Originally, i wanted to eat dinner with 1S11 08, however, due to the really limited space on the 136, i was somehow the only guy from the group not to board the bus. I dont know if it was God's will or not, but i somehow met Joel mathew and his lovely girlfriend, Px. I can safely say this about them. For a couple who are having their first times in a relationship, i can say they are doing a good job. As we three took a bus towards serangoon interchange (i follow them sometimes, cuz i am their close friend, and they were going to the same place at that point of time.), i can see the amount of affection they often give to one another. The way he ensures she isnt cold, the way she ensures he isnt hungry or thirsty all the time (thanks Px for the vitasoy! haha), it just warms my heart to see how these newbies can be so good being the first time. And as i sat in the seat just in front of them, i watched as they show creative affection for each other, and i cant help but to put my jealousy aside and feel happy for this couple.

Reached Serangoon Gardens at roughly 9 there. Had dinner at RK house, (Nice place for prata, not bad actually...) and Frolicks for desert (Damm, why are all the frolick girls so cute and why is frolicks so god damm nice?! killing 2 stones with one bird...) But that wasnt the most memoriable part of that night. What was memoriable to me was after dinner. The class of 1s11 08 decided to find a suitable place to sit and played some cute variation of truth or dare. Who ever lost in a round had to either answer a question truthfully, or accomplish a dare. Obviously the first few rounds were quite fun as we dug deeper and deeper into one another's secrets (sry, i am not at liberty to say their secrets, dont bug me, go bug them yourself). As the game advanced, i learned more and more about human emotions and what they are capable of. Then again, i questioned my own ability to love and show affection. Elizabeth said something important that night, something about me. "It doesnt matter who you like, as long as you are who you are, and honestly, i think you are quite a nice guy, just dont emo alot, I HATE EMO." (haha, felt like laughing when i heard that, but well, its quite true, i feel...)

When Glennard asked me the question "Chen, what do you think its your greatest flaw when it comes to attracting a girl?" That question kept me thinking, what was my actual flaw that prevented me from loving so many times? I still do not know the answer up to now, but i want to thank Rachelle for her reply to my answer that night. What Rachelle said that night also restored my faith in love and the thinking that God has a plan for me, esp my love life. I fell asleep reading her reply, "well, to be honest... yes to a certain extent. I mean some girls would understand your behavior. Some wouldnt mind how one looks on the outside, but some would be disturbed by it. Yupps! (wtf is that supposed to mean sia... T___T) Its not a bad thing really =) Its just a matter of perspectives. Everyone's unique! Like i said, you've impressed me before!" I can tell you honestly, i fell asleep feeling very relieved. From that point, i realised why i fight so hard to earn small things like love and affection. I help others (you know who you are...) through their own problems, treating them like mine, hoping that one day, i would be rewarded with the same type of affection i can pamper a girl with, just like what i saw on the backseat of the 315, where Joel and Px sat. A hope that one day, all my efforts would not go to waste, a day where i can make someone special happy.

I end this post, giving special thanks the following people for the wonderful night. Rachelle, Elizabeth, Darren, Glennard, JQ, Theodora, Cai Xin, Alloy, Louis and the rest of the SP gang, Joel and Px, Joel Tan, Loke, Bryan, Ding Zhi, Jeffery, Si Hua, Yi Jing, Cheng Kai, Kuan Yi, Micheal, Adam, Alton, and the teaching staff of SRJC. (If i missed anyone out, i am sorry.) Here is the song of the day, "Hallelujah", by Paramore



Somehow everything's gonna fall right into place
If we only had a way to make it all fall faster everyday
If only time flew like a dove
Well God, make it fly faster than I'm falling in love

This time we're not giving up
Let's make it last forever
Screaming "hallelujah"
We'll make it last forever

Holding onto patience wearing thin
I can't force these eyes to see the end
If only time flew like a dove
We could watch it fly and just keep looking up

This time we're not giving up
Let's make it last forever
Screaming "hallelujah"
We'll make it last forever

And we've got time on our hands
(We've got time) Got nothing but time on our hands
Got nothing but, got nothing but
(We've got time) Got nothing but time on our hands

This time we're not giving up
Oh, let's make it last forever
Screaming "hallelujah" (hallelujah)
Hallelujah








Oh, b4 i forget, Happy National Day to all Singaporeans!!!

i came , i ran, but i didnt conqure as much... (a thank you post =))

Yesterday was a day that i will remember for the rest of my life. I tell you, running 14 km isnt a joke, esp if you ran 15 km last year. The pain and agony i felt when i knew that i didnt manage to run 16 km as a i planned. But nevertheless, i felt that it was a good effort, considering the amount o training i went through the past few weeks.

I can safely say that i enjoyed myself yesterday despite the disappointments i felt. Firstly, it was because if the cheering i did for all my female friends (the females ran first, followed by the guys, so we dudes had like 1.75 hours to slack and prepare ourselves) (haha, my throat is now kinda sore from the excessive screaming.). It was enjoyable as not because i manage to see my eyecandy, but more importantly, it was fun screaming the numbers of the tags on the runners and finding many humourous mathamatical ways to scream them. Secondly, (i know this sounds weird coming from a guy like me) i kinda enjoyed running when it came to the guy's turn to run. Pushing myself to the limits and even to the point where mental and physical barriers are broken. The cheering from the people in the concourse as we passed it a dozen times, the cool breeze as i sprinted towards the finishing line the 14th time. Lastly, the cramps that i got when i dropped onto the comfortable grass of the scoccer field.

I could not have done it without the support of my friends. I would like to thank my classmates who kept on calling out "bruno" whenever i ran past LT5, it kept me laughing inside the entire run. Thank you to my J2 friends whom i miss alot, guys who were running with me, thank you all for supporting me by pushing me, girls who told me not to stop as i ran past them (esp my eye candy! HAHA, somehow i always had the energy to run faster when i ran past her, dunno why...) Special thanks to the following people. Joel Tan and Shaun Low for you encouraging insults (ironic, i know...). Joel George Mathew (nice polar bear suit!), Chong Peixuan, Irwin for wearing the mascots so i can keep myself laughing whenever i see you guys. Mr Foo, Ms Au (SOOO SWEET!), Mr Tan for making me laugh when i run past you. Monica, Ester and Loke for telling me to pull my tight shorts down (i am still waiting for the video you promised monica...). Briana, Patricia, Delila, Sabrina, Rachelle, Dawn, Samantha, Anna, Yan ping, Cheryl, Lynnette, Limei, Mei Qi, Ling Hui, Yan Hui, Si Hua, Kathleen, Elizabeth for your heart warming cheers (sry if i missed anyone out, too many to recall all.). You guys really helped out alot, i couldnt have done it without you guys.

A very special thanks to someone special to me. Even though she wasnt there in person, i know she would have supported me all the way. She might not know this, but as i held on to the band she gave me a few months ago, it gave me the strength i needed to carry on in the run. She gave me comfort when i felt sharp pains due to the stitches, she gave me a lift when i started to drag my feet, her invisible hands pulled me when i wanted to walk. And when ever i felt like giving up, i gripped and held on to that band even harder, for i didnt want to give up, i believed that i could run beyond my limits, a belief i thought that was once impossible, but not anymore.

Here is a song for the day.

Last year's wishes are this year's apologies
Every last time I come home
I take my last chance to burn a bridge or two
I only keep myself this sick in the head
'Cause I know how the words get you

We're the new face of failure
Prettier and younger but not any better off
Bulletproof loneliness at best, at best

Me and you, setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you, if I woke up next to you
Me and you, setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you, if I woke up next to you

Collect the bad habits that you couldn't bear to keep
Out of the woods but I love
A tree I used to lay beneath, kissed teeth stained red
From a sour bottle baby girl with eyes the size of baby worlds

We're the new face of failure
Prettier and younger but not any better off
Bulletproof and loneliness at best, at best

Me and you, setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you, if I woke up next to you
Me and you, setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you, if I woke up next to you

Me and you, setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you, if I woke up next to you
Me and you, setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you, if I woke up next to you

The best way to make it through
With hearts and wrists intact
Is to realize two out of three ain't bad
Ain't bad!

Me and you, setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you, if I woke up next to you
Me and you
(Honeymoon)
Setting in a honeymoon

Me and you, setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you, if I woke up next to you
Me and you, setting in a honeymoon
If I woke up next to you
(Honeymoon)

colours

Some of you guys may have noticed, but i was wearing a colourful bag pack to school the past week, and some call it gay, others call it cool, but i call it me. Some how, when i have time for myself these few days, i simply stop dead my in tracks and think. The more i think ed, the more i kinda accepted the fact that my life was filled with many different colours, just like the one on my bag itself. The colour red, no doubt my favourite colour, the colour that symbolises the fire of my passion for the many things i love in my life, the colour that reminds me that how much pain i may go through in my life, something may still be beautiful. And i intent to keep that way. Colours such as pink and black represents the emotions and my personality stored in this boy. Green with envy is the emotion that i am currently trying to surpress, yellow to remind me that i am still a chinese, Cooling blue to calm me down and to remove the heat from my often overworked emotions. White, to remind me that there is always something bright that still exists in me, something to remind me that no matter how dark my days may get, there is still something to look forward to. Sometimes i wonder why god put me in such a colourful situations. When he knows i already have more thatn enough to juggle in my hands. And i am not just talking about my own problems, there are added factors such as strained friendship ties, post exam stress (fucking irony...), many more...

Things like froliks, the fact that i am still called polar bear on school, cheesy combos, screamo and many more things such as watching dance and singing along while joel plays the guitar still keep me from opening the ribbon tied to my wrist.

will run is comming soon, i hope to be able to break my record of 15km, training to run, signed up for dance >.< ( wanna learn waltz, i think its realyl coooool and graceful...), and swimming tmr (want my old tan body back, i am begining to look like white chocoloate! T.T).

Here is a song that never failed to cheer me up. enjoy.

The chapters of my life so far...

Time really flies when one has much fun. Somehow i don't really get it. Every time i look back at the times i had fun, it always seem like it happened an eternity before. Fall out Boy concert, Linkin Park concert, my close friend's birthday where we would always end up drunk or spent the night chowing down on a tub of Ben and Jerry, the times i spent with that special girl, etc... I always wonder on sleepless nights why i never feel completely happy despite all these. Yet, its always the painful times i retain in my clouded memories. The shit times i had during my secondary 3, the day i found out i retained, etc... And to make things worse, a uneasy feeling dwells deep within my feelings about my future. Confused about what i really want, feeling a sense of loss without any reason, i felt my mind being mushed like a midget in a microwave. Habouring emotions i forsake many years ago come back into me like a deja vu moment. I dont know what is happening to me, and it couldnt come at a worse moment. Promos coming in 10 weeks (i did quite ok for my promos (C for physics, B for chemistry, D for gp, and U s for my math and econs (T.T) for those of you interested), Will run in august (hopefully i can break my record of 15km in 1.5 hours), (I pray for another Nike human race again), etc... It just adds to my stress.

I wonder sometimes why God puts us through all these, i always believed that he does this to make us stronger because he loves us. But sometimes i really wished he would give me a break, give her a break. I prayed often, the load just gets lighter a little, but always so small its almost negligable. I will never stop believeing that everything will turn out fine, but all i want is to rest also. Despite facing the many torments in my life, the many emotional problems that only haunts me when i am alone, I have been fighting all these sorrows and evils all my life, sometimes i wished they would leave me alone.

I pray that God will grant me the strength to continue, it being to help others or simply to perservere in what i do, and esp the fact that i need to believe that i can be happy eventually.

Happy Birthday WC, finally 18, go buy some vodka and make me a bloody mary please. haha.
I would like to end this post with my song of the day, The Quiet by We the Kings.



I'll stand
On my own two feet
Against you girl
I just can't walk away

I said,
I can't take it that easy
Wanna break you down tonight
Don't wanna waste another day

And it's not over just yet

Give me this
One last fighting chance
To crash the wall
I'll get to you
You are a war
Worth dying for
Tonight

Give me this
One last fighting chance
To be the kid
Who caved you in
It'd be so easy
To lose myself to you

Quiet
I will be
So sure
Calling your bluff
I think you lost
Your will to fight

And you know
I'll storm
Through your castles doors
Cause you know that I'm good for you
And you're scared of what you'll find

A love you won't regret

Give me this
One last fighting chance
To crash the wall
I'll get to you
You are a war
Worth dying for
Tonight

Give me this
One last fighting chance
To be the kid
Who caved you in
It'd be so easy
To lose myself to you

So open up
Your friendly fire
And let me be
The kill you're missing
Don't wanna see you
Close your eyes
Until this is over

Give me this
One last fighting chance
To crash the wall
I'll get to you
You are a war
Worth dying for
Tonight

Give me this
One last fighting chance
To be the kid
Who caved you in
It'd be so easy
To lose myself to you

A tribute to my VERY FIRST idol...

Some will call him gay, some call him a pedophile, others call him the King of Pop. I call him my hero... Yes, i am talking about Michael Jackson. I grew up listening to his music since i was a little boy, and i can say this. I loved his music. His music was the very first which i really took interest in. Not only did he manage to compose some of the best hits in the world, he also inspired me to do things people would normally see in me. I will be honest and say that he was mainly the reason i started to like dance. The way he manged to infuse dance and music into his art, was really something to wonder about. Despite facing bankruptcy a few times, he still believed in his charity work and never gave up helping the oppressed no matter what situation he was in. He believed that doing so could help Heal the World, and i really strongly believe in his work and beliefs. Songs like Black or White, Heal the World, Man in the Mirror were songs that really instilled the deep rooted values i have in me.

What really saddens me is that up til now, no one knows how he died and why,and now that he is gone, the very first person i idolized is gone. But despite what happens, i strongly believe that his music and inspiration will live on the hearts of many people all around the world.
Michael Jackson, you were born a legend, lived like a legend, and will always be a legend...

So here are some of the songs i really enjoyed from my childhood days.





http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZkGOiS75Lwk&feature=related
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ACPsfcsg4ZE
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tyBs6-cmFvQ&feature=related

Rest in peace.

Not afraid of living, no backing down, never giving up

I recently watched 300 again, awesome movie btw, those of you who havent watched it, go milk a cow. (I wonder when producers will create another movie with this same level of action and wowwheee...) Throughout the entire 1h45min movie, the spirit of those spartans really reminded me of one thing important that most of us neglected in our lives.

"Children, gather round! No retreat, no surrender; that is Spartan lore. And by Spartan lore we will stand and fight... and die. A new age has begun. An age of freedom, and all will know, that 300 Spartans gave their last breath to defend it!" King Leonidas

As i sat down on the chair munching a ham sandwich, as those words entered my ears, i decided on something. This handsome macho killing peice of meat died protecting the ones he knew, the people he cared for, the queen he loved. And i will do the same. (well, not dying lar, who the hell wants me dead anyway?) I will never give up helping and protecting the ones i love, it being the special girl, my family or friends. I will not stand down, no matter how painful and long this ordeal may be. I will stand and fight.

Those of you who go through many problems in their life, dont give up, dont be afraid to walk forward, live life to the fullest. Problems will weight you down, but that does not mean you cant walk, problems will make you depressed, but that does not mean you cant smile despite the pain, Megan Fox may be a guy, that does not mean she isnt hot as a girl, your cheeseburger has cheese in it and you are allergic to bread, but it does not mean its not edible. Whatever the problem is there will always be sunshine after the rain. Never give up, never surrender.

Here is the song of the day, Famous Last Words by My Chemical Romance.





Now I know
That I can't make you stay
But where's your heart?
But where's your heart?
But where's your...

And I know
There's nothing I can say
To change that part
To change that part
To change...

So many
Bright lights, that cast a shadow
But can I speak?
Well is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A life that's so demanding
I get so weak
A love that's so demanding
I can't speak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

Can you see
My eyes are shining bright
'Cause I'm out here
On the other side
Of a jet black hotel mirror
And I'm so weak
Is it hard understanding
I'm incomplete
A love that's so demanding
I get weak

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home

These bright lights have always blind..ed me
These bright lights are always blind..ed me
I say

I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

(How can I see, I see you lying) 'Cause I see you lying next to me
(How can I see, I see you lying) With words I thought I'd never speak
(How can I see, I see you lying) Awake and unafraid
(How can I see, I see you lying) Asleep or dead

'Cause I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

'Cause I see you lying next to me
With words I thought I'd never speak
Awake and unafraid
Asleep or dead

I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
(Or dead)
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home
(Or dead)
I am not afraid to keep on living
I am not afraid to walk this world alone
(Or dead)
Honey if you stay, I'll be forgiven
Nothing you can say can stop me going home
WOOOO!!!! ONE MORE WEEK TIL TRANSFORMERS!!!! WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!! WOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A little secret not many know...

I recently went and sat for a VJC concert. And i swear that their dance choreography is superb. Graceful, Elegant and feather like. I was captivated not because those girls were good looking, but because their dance moves were simply magnificent. And i am saying this simply because i have a passion for dancing. Why not join dance? Many will ask, somehow, i felt that i was not able to dance simply because of a few self-esteem issues, and the particular type of dance i prefer to dance. Yes, i know it sounds gay that a guy loves dancing, but somehow, when ever i see people around me dancing, i enter a whole new world. (pretty much like a fairytale, where butterflies are tri-coloured, where the stupid thing we know as gravity does not exist, etc..) And i feel happy simply by watching. (Its rare to find people who acutally can appriciate dance the way i do because many guys choose things like soccer. ) Dance isnt just a form of art for girls, i feel that many people have this wrong interpretation of dance, and it really stings me to see this sterotype amongst people, esp teenagers in our society.

Everytime i see a person dance, it pumps adrenaline into my body, and often , i grow feelings of envy and jealousy, for sometimes i wish this caterpillar could spread butterfly wings and take to the sky. Where it knows no boundaries and the limitless skies are it's dance floor. And yet, as i write this post, i regret not doing what i was passionate about for years. And i am now wasted on the fact that i can never complete another dream that has rocketed into the merciless sun. Someday i hope to be able to recreate this dream and turn it into a reality, for simply, if music is food for the soul, i will say that dance is oxygen.

This post is simply to tell those who are reading this because they are a fan of my blog one of my little secret that even my closest friends do not know of.

So here is my song of the day, Dance Dance, By my favourite band, Fall Out Boy.

Dance, Dance - Fall Out Boy

She says she's no good
with words but I'm worse
Barely stuttered out "A joke of a romantic"
Stuck to my tongue
Weighed down with words too over-dramatic
Tonight it's: "It can't get much worse."
Vs. "No one should ever feel like..."

I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds
These words are all I have so I'll write them
So you need them just to get by

Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how
Misery loved me

You always fold Just
Before you're found out
Drink up its last call,
Last resort,
But only the first mistake and I...

I'm two quarters and a heart down
And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds
These words are all I have so I'll write them
So you need them just to get by

Why don't you show me
The little bit of spine
You've been saving
For his mattress, Love

Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how
Misery loved me

Why don't you show me
The little bit of spine
You've been saving
For his mattress
(mattress, mattress)
I only want sympathy in the form
Of you crawling into bed with me

Dance, Dance
We're falling apart to half time
Dance, Dance
And these are the lives you'd love to lead
Dance, this is the way they'd love
Dance, this is the way they'd love
(Way they'd love) [x2]
Dance, this is the way they'd love
If they knew how misery loved me

Dance, Dance [x4]

Giving up? Nope. not yet anyway...

Spending the last few days of my life doing nothing can be inspiring to people. Such people include me. As many of you all might have read my previous post, i am sorry for being so pessimistic, i am sorry if i got you guys worked up or worried. It just so happens that i was under going alot of stress and i cracked under it. Amidst the drowning of my sorrows, I realised that screaming wont save me, it only gave the sadness opportunity to flood my lungs.

I realised that no matter how much someone tries, we can never fully understand another person despite how much we know about him or her. we shouldn't cry that people dont understand, we should smile because people tried. Thinking of the many little things that made me happy in my life kept me afloat, and i want to thank God for pulling me out of the depression hole, because without these bits and pieces of happy memories to keep me sane, i would be what people know now as a corpse.

This part of this post goes to Jonathan Song. Hey dude, relax ok? I know your situation and i can say that what you are going through is normal in couples. Give her sometime and space. I learnt that it doesn't matter how long a girl takes to reply you, as long as you she replies in the end, you will still be happy. Try to talk to her more often, often, communication = connection. And if you think your situation is tough, maybe you havent seen what i go through. So dont worry about her, i am sure she wants to spend time with you also. There will be many oppotunities for you and her to spend time. Dont give up. Love will find a way...

An Angel. Thats the two words i can only think of when i think of her. Period.



p.s Guys, i know she is cute/hot/pretty/chio/wow/etc... But you dont have to keep repeating yourself. I KNOW.

just small thoughts running through my head...

I wonder how much longer is my agony going to last. I always seem to be there when people need me, i am by their side when they cry, i am there when they needed me the most. But somehow, as much as i am always having this role, the light which i have always believed in is slowly fading, the warmth that was buried under my soul is getting colder and colder. I don't know how long more i can hide under this fake smile. I always told myself that this was a phase that i am going through in my life. But i feel that 2 years is too long to be called a phase. As much as i don't want myself going back into my old ways, it just seems the will of God that is slowly dragging me back into that black empty shell i used to hide in. Was i meant to be miserable like this? The many dreams i used to have, smashed, shattered against the wall, broken into a million pieces. I worked hard to build all these up, but yet, they were struck down that easily. Ripped from my bloodstained blistered hands and shredded and crushed like used piece of paper. Was life meant to be so hard for me like this? Sometimes fall asleep wondering about myself. What did others do to get this? What did they do that i didn't that caused me to fall into this bottomless pit, cursed to scream endlessly as i fall continuously into the darkness that is eating me.

I wish i could find another me out there who could be here with me. Someone who would know what to say, what to do and when to. Someone who truly knows about my destiny of flame and sorrow. Many have tried, few came close to succeeding, but none have so far. Others simply didn't want to try, whether it being they were afraid or they really couldn't give a rat's ass. The day i find this true someone will be the day i truly smile with my all heart and soul, the day where both heart and soul will dance a beautiful waltz within this angry hollow shell. I am not asking God to send that someone right in front of my face now. Those things only happen in fairytales, and they will stay there as long as there is a line between fantasy and reality. My one and true wish now is to find that someone soon, so that i can continue believing in my fairytale. But then, again, a wish isn't a reality.

Welcome to the other side of life of The Boy who gave his heart to A Girl.

Me and no one else against the world

I know it has been long since i blogged. i apologize for being quiet all these weeks. I am on the verge of a mental breakdown due to many factors. (Many of you might not notice, but yes, i am under alot of pressure and stress.) I try to hide it under a smile, but yet, whenever i try to sleep, i seem to even cry myself to sleep sometimes thinking of it. Its not easy to get through things like friendship problems, politics within a CCA, exam stress, and most importantly, emotions that have grown beyond my level of control.

To those in my CCA who always supported me, esp Christopher, i thank you for the support that you have given me all these while. It jusst seems that its very unfortunate for me that things have to turn out this way for me in CCC. Apparently, its Deja Vu all over from my secondary school CCA. I simply feel that there are many people out there that simply dont appreciate what i have done for the past entire year. Iam telling you now, I AM FEELING FUCKING PISSED.

I have been suppressing many negative feelings i had when others bite me, i chose to ignore those, but it has come to a point where it gets so irritating and frustrating and piercing to one's heart that i am just this close to snapping. To my friends who have always been making fun of the thing i love most in this world, i am warning you for the last time, one more word of those mouths about her, and i swear, things will get ugly. I cant stand the fact that you always ignore my feelings when it comes to sensitive issues like this. It does not mean that if i dont bite back means i will never. She doesnt deseverve to be made fun of like this. Even if she doesnt feel hurt, i do, because she is the woman i always wanted to be with and i will never let anyone one of you guys take advantage like this anymore.

To my friends who supported me during these times of depression i had and is currently going through, i thank you. It was great having someone who could listen to my problems. And esp to the very special girl i love dearly. Thank you for always being there for me. You are the reason i still smile when i wake up in the morning, you are the reason i still laugh even though i am depressed. You are the reason i still breathe when i am suffocating under my problems or choking from the stress overload. You are the reason i still believe in myself despite the many things i have been through, and i want to say "I love You" for doing this.

I dont know what the future holds for my friends, my love and esp me. But i pray to God that he will pull me through this time if great depression and guide me to salvation. I am sorry if i wasnt the friend or person you thought i would be, even people like me go through shit. All i can say now i need someone now as I dont know how much more i can take before my mind snaps or my heart breaks and explodes into a red mist. I would like to end this post by saying happy belated birthday to Jon.

Holding on to a fading light...

The past few weeks weren't exactly honeymoon to me, in fact it was almost hell for me if not for the support of some of my friends and a special girl. During the past few weeks, i have seen how many things that we take for granted in our lives change so quickly, like how a fat boy devours a bag of chips. How old friendships have been severly and critically bent but not broken, how love may promise a happy ever after but eventually falls flat on her face many times, how current friends can become even closer friends and the human capacity to change and how i can finally pass Velfare 2000 and number one on ParaPara.

Its not that i am mocking simple things like friendship and love. Its simply because i have seen enough to believe that the road to true friendship and love is never ever smooth. (well, unless you live in a place called Far Far Away, which only exist in the minds of 3.142 people, mainly your dog, the microwave in your kitchen and me.) I still believe that all these are still attainable, we just have to put in more time and effort in order to achieve them. Friendship is like a house, we need to spend time and effort to build it. However, should like a freaking tornado comes by (or a series of unfortunate events as i like to call it, (get the hint)), what do we end up with? A half demolished pile of rubble. so whats the next logical thing to do? Rebuild it, and when another misfortune happens, repeat step 2. (if you live in a HDB then its a differnt case, good luck rebuliding 10++ stories of houses) Love is like.... well, a flower. Invest time and effot into it, you get something beautiful, if you dont, you get 3 pots of weed. I am not going to go into detail on how to put in time and effort into things like this. Its something that you should be born with. (For those of you who really dont know, look it up between page 1 and 2 of Hitler's cookbook, there should be a trillion dollar bill and address of places where you can get a book called "the dummy's guide to love" by your friendly neighbourhood drunk.)

I watched a movie today with my friends. It is called "Handsome Suit". I must say that it was really a good movie as i could really relate myself to the main character. It really enforced the thinking i had in me that when it comes to things like love, looks doesnt matter at all, and what matters is actually what is inside of you. The movie really kept me thinking about who i am as a person and how i function as a person.

My friends, i know some of you guys are wondering why i chose to love that special rose i chosen, why despite getting hurt by the thorns, i still chose to hold on, why i do so much? I chose to pick this rose from the garden not because it was the prettiest, there were many other prettier ones out there, but i chose to pick this special rose as it had the sweetest smell. A smell which always never fail to turn my frown into a smile. I chose this rose as i have seen how it has grown over the years, the harsh weather conditions it has to endure, and despite that, still manages to stand tall and strong, and i want to care for this rose as this red rose gave me hope, a hope which i will always treasure my entire life. I chose to do so much for this rose as i want it to bloom into something that i never had, and when it finally blooms, i can proudly say i did that and live my life without regrets as i will have the picture of a beautiful rose in my heart.

In short, things in my life has kept me thinking about everybody and everything around me, and i apologise to those people whom i have not given the correct amount of attention. Its just really hard for me not to be depressed after seeing so much. The saddness and depression of everyone's problems may have finally caught up. But not to worry, i will recover and resume my role of a good friend cum councillor, and obviously never quit my job as a lover cum gardener to a special red rose.

I would like to end this post by wishing Irwin a happy 18th birthday, sorry i cant come to your party, my mom didnt let me go out. T.T

Remember, vote no to proposition -23, If we ban 16 year old asian school girl from wearing pink socks, who is going to look cute anymore? 2.30 in the morning, i guess its time to sleep. Stay tunned for more next time as i attempt to last another few months without chippies.

The Story so far...

Hey all, it has been weeks sinced i blogged. Honestly, i couldnt really think of anything much to blog about. However, these few weeks kept me thinking about my entire life and how it has changed drastically and how i am desperately trying to fox it. Dont ask me what, as i feel that its something personal and i do not really want to blog about it. What i can say is that i realised over the weeks that Love can be beautiful and significant to everyone, as long as they know how to embrace it with their loved ones. Love may sometimes make people do things that are deemed stupid and useless, but i feel that it will make the person happy. I Love this special girl so much as she has really changed my life significantly that i was willing to go all out on her. You may say that spending time and money to do things like folding 99 roses and arranging them nicely in a jar and giving it to someone whom isnt your GF stupid and time consuming. But, i felt happy when i did it. To see the smile on her beautiful face was more than rewarding than anything else. Nothing else mattered, not even blistered fingers (due to the folding of 99+++ roses), the empty wallet i have or even the time i spent running down all the way to Ikea at 8 in the evening to but a jar mattered. I felt happy because I did it for the one whom i love dearly without any regrets, and that was what mattered most to me.

Today is Good Friday, the Day where my lord, Jesus died for all the sins of man. Its a day where all Christians should morn and weep, not only because Jesus died, but because he died to save us from mortal sin. A innocent man who was betrayed by his follower for 30 pieces of silver, shunned by the crowds, tortured with whips that had hooks and razor blades attached to its ends, hummuliated with a purple robe and a crown of thorns, forced to carry a cross weighing roughly 100 kg up a hill called Calvary where he was stripped of his clothes and had it gambled away, nailed brutally on the palms of his hand and the sole of his 2 feet and suffered for 3 hours before dying. God gave his only son up and made him go through all these simply for one reason. Because he loved us so much and wanted us to do the same for each other. I would like to thank Rachelle for inviting me and the special girl to her play yesterday, for it really touched me and reminded me of my core values as a true Christian (or Catholic in my case). A very good play, I must say, 3 thumbs up! (guys, if you haven not seen her play, you should, because i really feel its worth my 2 hours)

This part of the post goes to a few friends of mine in my school. Firstly, to my friend Ester. Please understand that Joel is only like this because he isnt used to girls being this close to him. Its only natural that he sometimes behaves and talks in a manner which you dont like. He is already trying his best not to anger or annoy you. You on the other hand, have to give him space sometimes and try not to expect too much. Secondly, to my good friend, Marian. I know its hard to be with someone who is sometimes stubborn and insenstive to what you say or how you feel and even to the extent where his faith is dwindling. Its hard to be with someone who has faith that is not as strong as you or even stable for the matter. But give him time to find his faith, he will find it eventually. God will guide him. He will eventually realise that he has to become stronger not only just for you, but also for himself, for a man who has no faith is no different from an empty shell. Finally, to my close friend Briana. I know of your sufferings that you have endured with "him" and most of the problems you face. All i want to tell you is not to lose faith in this relationship of yours. I know he cares alot for you and wouldnt want you to get hurt. Even though he may make promises that is often broken and it seems that he doesnt understand, but i want you to know that he is better than that, i can see that he is trying his best to do things the way he see fit. Dont feel sad because he has unintentionally hurt you, be happy because he loves you very much. Have faith and dont ever stop believing, for things will always work out because God has a plan for all of us to be happy one way or another. I will be praying for all of you people.

I would like to end this post by wishing my good friend, PeiXuan, a very Happy Birthday (finally 18, haha, can buy and consume alcohol legally! haha), Congratulations to everyone who did well for their PW and lastly, to tell everyone that no matter what problems we face, never stop believing, because its faith that will pull us through the storm in one piece.

Just another post...

Hey all, i know that i have been rather quiet after my last post. Been rather busy with things like work. But still, despite my busy schdule, i still put some time aside to relax. Just today, i wathced the new movie, Dragonball Evolution. I have only 2 words to say. WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT? FUCK THAT MOVIE MAN, WTH MAN, WHAT TYPE OF CRAP WAS THAT? A SUPER SHORT 89 MIN MOVIE ON WHAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE 100 EPISODES? FUCK YOU MAN, WHO EVER GOT THIS IDEA. FUCK YOU FOR BEING STUPID, FUCK YOU FOR PUTTING GOKU AS A WHITE PERSON, DONT U KNOW HE IS FUCKING ASIAN IN THE STORY LINE? (SOME APPLIES FOR THE COMING STREET FIGHTER MOVIE, FUCK YOU MAN, CHUN LI IS ASIAN, NOT SOME WHITE GIRL OK?) U DUN SEE FUCKING ASIANS APPEARING IN YOUR TERMINATOR FILMS DO YOU? AND WTH, YOU DUMBASSES CANT EVEN FOLLOW THE PROPER STORY LINE, DONT U KNOW THAT BULMA MARRIES SOME ALIEN CALLED VEGETA? NOT A COMMON EARTHLING CALLED YAM CHAR! GET YOUR FUCKING FACTS RIGHT BEFORE DOING SOMETHING STUPID LIKE THIS OK?

The second part of this post is to friends of mine (they shall stay unknown so as to protect their names, all i can say is that they are in my school) who are currently going through problems with their emotions. Dont ever stop believing in yourself and your partner, no matter what, if you 2 really love each other, you can really find a way through the fire and flames, you will carry on! so dun give up hope waiting. i made a promise i would wait for the special girl in my heart and soul that i will never give up waiting for her no matter how long it will take, so i believe that u guys can do it.

The final part of this post is a partial reflection of the things that have happened to me and how i felt about it. Firstly, guys, i am sorry i cant really hang out with you guys, its just that we are too busy already, ell is still grounded, jasp and i still have school etc... i really wanna hang out with you guys again. Secondly, i am sorry if i made you guys worried about me in school regarding my unusually increasing amounts of saddness. (i am simply going thru quite a emotional roller coster ride, much like a tanget curve) Thirdly, i wanna apologise to the special girl. I know some of my behaviour these few days werent to your liking, and i understand why, i myself feel shameful when i actually sit down to think about it. I am really sorry for what i have done and i really wanna make it up to you. I never and will never mean any harm to you. I would rather die than to see you get hurt. I swear i will never treat you like that again. And i will never stop waiting because i believe.

I would like to end this post with a song by Yellowcard, Believe.

Believe - Yellowcard

Think about the love inside the strength of heart
Think about the heroes saving life in the dark
Climbing higher through the fire, time was running out
Never knowing you weren't going to be coming down alive
But you still came back for me
You were strong and you believed

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.
Be strong. Believe.

Think about the chance I never had to say
Thank you for giving up your life that day
Never fearing, only hearing voices calling out
Let it all go, the life that you know, just to bring them down alive
And you still came back for me
You were strong and you believed

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.

(Again today, we take into our hearts and minds those who
perished on this site one year ago, and also those who came
to toil in the rubble to bring order out of chaos, to help us
make sense of our despair)

Wanna hold my wife when I get home
Wanna tell the kids they'll never know how much I love to see them smile
Wanna make a change right here right now
Wanna live a life like you somehow
Wanna make your sacrifice worthwhile

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.

Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Everything is gonna be alright
Be strong. Believe.

Think about the love inside the strength of heart
Think about the heroes saving life in the dark
Think about the chance I never had to say
Thank you for giving up your life that day

(The world will little note, nor long remember what we say
here, but it can never forget what they did here)

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO GOT A S GRADE FOR MY CHINESE!!!! FUCK CHINESE! NO MORE CHINESE FOR ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

The fats of life... (personalities)

Have you ever wondered what happened to cool kid's shows such as Transformers the animated series, X man and Spiderman? It is cool to watch these shows, thank god for things such as the internet, if not i would have died no watching these cartoons. So what if they cant appear in a 3D show, so what if its unrealistic that Megatron transforms from a 10m tall robot to a puny pistol which is apparently no bigger than the double cheese grilled chicken sandwich sliced between 2 thin layers of wholewheat bread, only to be seperated by 3 layers of lettuce drenched by excessive amounts of barbecue sauce? These cartoons are part of my childhood and who the fuck took them off the TV? IT WAS FUCKING NICE! WHY THE HELL DID YOU REMOVE IT HUH? WTF DID THESE CARTOONS EVER DO TO YOU? WHAT? WOLVERINE STUCK 3 OUT OF HIS 6 CLAWS U0P YOUR ASS? DID YOUR CAR JUST TRANSFORMED INTO A 3 STOREY HIGH ROBOT AND BLASTED YOUR FAT KID DEAD? DROP DEAD WHO EVER YOU ARE! YOU KILLED MY CHILDHOOD DREAM YOU SONOFABITCH! And God bless Stan Lee for creating such marvels, you will forever be the best comic book artist alive!

Here is a fun fact according to my friend. Do you know that Stan Lee studied physcology? And he created several X men characters with unique personalities? For example, Storm is a Caregiver, Proffesor X is a Doer, Wolverine and Gambit are Performers, Rouge is a Scientist, Jean Grey aka pheonix is a Guardian, Cyclops is an Idealist, Nightcrawler is an Inspirer, Jubilee is an Executive, Beast is a Thinker, Colossus is a Protector and many more. (the good guys are supposed to have the good and ideal personalities of the 16 types mentioned below, i am not really sure about the bad guys, all i know is the bad ass protector is Juggernaut. BOO YEA!! (i dun know why they have to make protectors so big and like so tough that they are able to take so much dmg, esp Juggernaut.. T.T)) This brings me to the topic i am going to talk about today, personalities.

Should you one day take a personality test and get your 4 magical letters, here is the list of the possible 16 personalities and their names to go along with it.
ISTJ- The Duty Fulfillers
ESTJ- The Guardians
ISFJ- The Nurturers
ESFJ- The Caregivers
ISTP- The Mechanics
ESTP- The Doers
ESFP- The Performers
ISFP- The Artists
ENTJ- The Executives
INTJ- The Scientists
ENTP- The VisionariesINTP - The Thinkers
ENFJ- The Givers
INFJ- The Protectors
ENFP- The Inspirers
INFP- The Idealists

Many of you will be wondering which personalities are the best. From my point of view, all 16 types are unique in their own ways and function best with their own unique skills, thus there is no actual "best" personality. For example, Caregivers have the beautiful ability to find good in a person and is also able to make it outshine the bad in him. Scientist have the mind boggling ability to think very logically and is often able to solve problems quickly due to his smart thinking. Protectors have the uncanny ability to have insights in many situations, they often go by their feelings about certain things and are often right about it, sometimes without even knowing why. Executives have the natural ability to lead people and are natural leaders. These are simply a few of the many good points each and everyone class has. to put it simply, its doesnt really matter what personality type you are , as long as you are who you are and you make use of some of the abilities you have, your personality type can be the best. Do not dwell on your bad points that your personality has and strive to strengthen your strengths. (I am a INFJ if some of you people are wondering)

if you are interested, here is a link to the test if you are wondering what personality you belong to. http://spt.skeletus.com/eng/

I would like to end this short lesson i have regarding the personality types by wishing all of my JC2 friends avery good luck for your Common test! God bless and Lets PARTY when your tests are over! Remember, Confucius says man who drops watch in toilet will get shitty time!

WOOOOOO ONLY 3 MORE MONTHS TO THE REVENGE OF THE FALLEN!!!!

Its the start of something new...

Hey all, firstly, this kid here wants to wish JOEL TAN A FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING HAPPY BIRTHDAY!! You are finally 18, time to dish out the M18 movies PANTHER!!!
Legally now of course. Today is your day, so go enjoy yourself. Go kiss Bing, torture the yalam or scream my name out loud in the canteen during break time as you slowly touch yourself all over, and we all wont give a shit! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH SOOOOOOOOOOOO CUTEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (slaps on the shoulder)

I would also like to wish all of you Christians out there a Happy Ash Wednesday. Ash Wednesday marks the start of an event that Catholics call Lent. It talks about the 40 days of hardship that my religeous ansestors went through right after they escaped from slavery in Egypt. With a kick ass white old man called Moses to lead them (so what if you can fly David Blane? This dude parted a sea, WITH NO HANDS!), the Jews travelled across a desert and reached their promise land in like 40 days living simply on bread and mana (i am not really sure whats that, its simply writen on the bible, and no, they cant cast spells, witchcraft is against my religion). So in honor of this feat, we catholics are expected to fast like them for 40 days. And this is to clear a few misconceptions about fasting. Firstly, fasting simply means abstaining from something you like, not abstaining from food only. Its not simply like a Fat kid not eating pizzas or burgers or like a megamac meal, it can also mean like people like Jasper not womanizing around, Julian not playing dota and so on. For me, how i intend to fast for the next 40 days would include
1)No eyecandy for me (i am not going to disclose who i eyecandy)
2)No Chippy for me (thats some british food take away, super gd and high in calories T.T)
3)No Dota (actually, i have not DOTAed for like almost 1 month, with the execption of last saturday.)
4)No snacks such as potato chips (SUPER HIGH IN FATS!!!)
Hopefully i will still be the sam(n)e person you all know me as after 40 days, cuz these are actually some of my favourite things i do. (esp no1, haha!!!!) But i believe in God and i am sure he will somehow find a way for me to get through. =)

For some of you guys who know quite alot about me, you might be wondering why so holy and "on" all of a sudden. Basically, God was able to answer most of my prayers i had. (school problems are kinda like over, taking time to recover, some friendship problem is now getting better) But indirectly, it was thanks to a very special person who actually strengthened my faith in God and i would like to use the second part of this post to talk about her. It began roughly around the time when i was trying to get over Girl no5 and leave all that has happened behind. Somehow, no matter how hard i tried, i simply couldnt really shake that last bit of feelings. I started praying for help to get over her as it was really affecting me mentally and draining me. I started to give up hope that God would not help me, but then she came along... After talking for quite some time with her, i ended helping her out with some problems that she had with some guy and really spent most of my free time trying my best to provide her with the support and comfort that she really needed during that time. Initially, i didnt realise it, but slowly, over a period of 3 weeks, i finally managed to shake that last bit of feelings thanks to the times i spent with her. (she is fine now, if some of you guys are wondering, still alive and kicking) When we were not talking about her problems, she was always smiling and cheerful. And no matter how shitty and sad and depressing my day was, she never fails to put a smile on my face.

We would spend time talking about things ranging from school work to things like the aspects of life and even things like love, something that a person like me has never experienced before. Honestly, i can say that besides the time i spend with my friends, the time i spend with her would be one of the happiest i have ever had. We understood each other. During the time i spent talking to her, i could feel a constant surge of faith flowing in my body as i was always telling her to believe and not to give up on God. Somehow, i felt that God has not only answered my prayers by bringing her into my life, but has also strengthened my faith. (God may have been drunk when he planned my love life, but i believe he still has a plan for me.)

I would like to end this post by raising a glass of champange filled with lots of love to you, my friend (and Joel of course). I really treasure out friendship that we have fostered over the past few weeks and i sincerely hope that we can stay as friends or even something more than that, simply because there will never be a dull moment in my life when you are around. Never stop smiling ok? =)

The Return of the Abercrombie man

Hey all, i am back after being MIA (thats Missing In Action for those who dun know) three weeks. What was i doing? Well, basically, i was busy with school orientation and the first acadamic week as a JC1 student. but first, a very happy beLATED birthday to Arun (you still owe me my PS2) and Jude Chow, (sry i couldnt attend the dinner last sat. T.T got into a very very very heated and intesnse argument with my parents).

If you guys are wondering, my new class is quite a fun bunch (esp the guys). 5 girls and 17 guys. thanks alot SRJC JC1 year head, you just made my year. Giving me only 7 girls in my class last year was bad enough but this year? ONLY 5! (most of which i do not really know well yet. (this is gonna take long)) But honestly, i feel that my time as class joker is over. 3 main jokers and 2 sub jokers in my class? I dun think i can really compete with that, besides, i now have my studies to worry about. (dun worry guys, i will stil be as fun with you all during playtime =D ) (Seriously Darren, we must learn the songs soon. I believe we can move people to tears with our songs!) (i still miss you all, my very good friends who have gone to JC2. T.T)

This section of this post goes to Joel Tan. Dun feel sad about what happened on friday ok? No matter what those bastards say and think of you, you will always be the sexy, funny, talented and charismatic Tennis player with the nicest set of guns i have ever met. Train hard and make them eat their own words! I believe that you can be the best if you want to. Remember, Abercrombie isn't just about walking away from what you do best. Its about waking up early in the morning, playing rugby with all your friends on the grass, only except that we all are not wearing any clothes. You were made of 60% sexyness, 20% skill, 13% style and 7% power. Made to maximise both comfort and style. Go Panther!

Lastly, GOD BLESS FALL OUT BOY FOR THEIR FUCKING FUCKING FUCKIN AWESOME CONCERT HELD ON THE 10TH FEB 2009! I LOVE YOU GUYS AND I AM GOING TO TREASURE THE GITUAR PICK I GOT FROM YOU, PATRICK! YOU SHOULD THROW YOUR GITUAR TOO MAN, I WOULDN'T MIND GETTING HIT BY IT. BUT WHY THE FUCK DIDNT YOU GUYS PLAY "I'M LIKE A LAWYER WITH THE WAY I AM TRYING TO GET YOU OFF (ME AND YOU)"? IT SO FUCKING NICE AND SUITABLE FOR VDAY WHICH WAS LIKE ONLY 4 DAYS AWAY FROM YOUR BREATH TAKING CONCERT! but still, YOU GUYS SHOULD DO THIS EVERY YEAR!

I would like to end this post with the theme song Darren and I love to sing, A whole new world. (Darren, better learn it properly, it will kik asses, even the fattest of all asses!)

A Whole New World - Aladdin And Jasmine

I can show you the world
Shining, shimmering, splendid
Tell me, princess, now when did
you last let your heart decide

I can open your eyes
Take you wonder by wonder
Over, sideways, and under
On a magic carpet ride

A whole new world
A new fantastic point of view
No one to tell us no
Or where to go
Or say we're only dreaming

A whole new world
A dazzling place i never knew
But when I'm way up here
It's crystal clear
That now i'm in a whole new world
With you
Now I'm in a whole new world with you.

Unbelievable sights
Indescribable feeling
Soaring, tumbling, freewheeling
Through an endless diamond sky

(Jasmine) A whole new world
(Aladdin) Don't you dare close your eyes
(Jasmine) A hundred thousand things to see
(Aladdin)Hold your breath- it gets better
I'm like a shooting star,
I've come so far
I can't go back to where i used to be

(Aladdin) A whole new world
(Jasmine) Every turn a surprize
(Aladdin) With new horrizons to pursue
(Jasmine) Every moment red letter

I'll chase them anywhere,
there's time to spare,
let me share this whole new world with you


(Aladdin) A whole new world
(Jasmine) A whole new world
(Aladdin) That's where we'll be
(Jasmine) That's where we'll be
(Aladdin) A thrilling chase
(Jasmine) A wonderous place
For you and me

Calming the storm within a troubled heart...

Recently, i watched the entire OVA for the Samurai X series (Samurai X: Reflection) and i can say, it was one of the most romantic OVA i have ever seen. Basically, this OVA covers the love life of Kenshinn himself and the story behind the love of his life. Honestly, i can tell you all that i cried, (YES, FAT PEOPLE DO CRY. No, the saying that fat people not able to cry because of the clogging fats in their eyes is a myth, futher research is needed.) Like his incredible sword technique, Kenshinn's ability to love Kaoru too, is legendary. Kenshin, who becomes tortured anew by the guilt of leading a happy life after such a destructive past. He makes the decision to wander again, and Kaoru strongly supports him, promising to welcome him home with a smile and their child. For fifteen years, he wanders, returning every once in a while. Kenshin eventually becomes ravaged by an unknown disease that is much like leprosy (the writers have admitted there is no medical explanation for his condition). To share his pain, Kaoru convinces Kenshin to infect her with the disease through sexual intercourse. Towards the end, as Kenshin makes his final trip back home, he collapses into Kaoru's arms as he clutches her to him. They end up beneath a cherry blossom tree, where Kaoru tells him that they will invite the others for a cherry blossom viewing, and continue to gather in the years to come. With the silence growing stronger, Kaoru realizes that Kenshin has died quietly in her arms. Upon brushing his hair off his left cheek, Kaoru notices Kenshin's scar has faded away, signifying an end to his life of pain and bloodshed and commencement to a life of peace. In the final scene before the credits, she holds his head in her arms and weeps. This is simply a love that i envy and admire.

My main purpose of this post is simply to reassure a good friend of mine. Currently, she is going through a very diffcult time in her life (i will not go into details as to respect her privacy). It doesnt matter what happens in your love life. No matter what happens, life is about taking risks. I know its scary that you will have to go through emotional pain, but God will always be there to help you. I know your faith in God is hanging on a thread due to the current situation you are in, but dont ever worry about it. God loves us all and has a proper plan for us. The reason he makes us feel pain so as to learn how to adapt and become stronger. And honestly, trust him and he will lead you out of your pain in no time. I am sure that your situation will be resolved really soon, and no matter the outcome, know that you will always have people who love you (including God of course!). So dont be afraid to take risks, even if this situation turns out sour, i know you have the mental and emotional strength to go through it and move along. And who knows, your relationship with "him" might turn out as beautiful as the one mentioned above. =)

I would like to end this post with a song by the All american rejects, Move along, as it simply represents what i feel you should do in any negative situation especially in this one. (and also never stop smiling ok?)

Move Along - All american rejects

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone stands
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking
With the life held in your
Hands are shaking cold
These hands are meant to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
Move along

So a day when you've lost yourself completely
Could be a night when your life ends
Such a heart that will lead you to deceiving
All the pain held in your
Hands are shaking cold
Your hands are mine to hold

Speak to me, when all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
Move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)

When everything is wrong we move along
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
When everything is wrong, we move along
Along, along, along

When all you got to keep is strong
Move along, move along like I know you do
And even when your hope is gone
Move along, move along just to make it through
[x3]

(Move along)
(Go on, go on, go on, go on)
Right back what is wrong
We move along

Another Random post

Hi all, i know its already 2 plus in the morning and i should be sleeping, but then, its almost chinese new year. So technically i am like supposed to PARTY!, before i embark on a 6 hour car ride to Segamat, Malaysia. (its fucking long and stupid, i think i actually lose a few brain cells everytime i take on this journey. you would too if you were to stare at nothing but Oil Palm plantations for the entire 6 hour journey. And, if you are wondering, yes, MY HONG BAO MONEY IS IN MALAYSIAN CURRENCY). Actually, the first part of this post is to wish my 3 going on 4 year good friend, Julian Chong Wei Dinn. He is one of the most funniest, dumbest and best friend anyone can have. (he still owes me money) And its a kinda pity, as he is no longer my schoolmate. (dunno why SRJC kicked him out, he had a poor conduct because he was late only le, not anything else) If you are reading this Birdface, we all miss you in SR, esp me. T.T Anyway, theCrew wants to wish you a really happy birthday and hope you get into your desired choice of poly! (eh, if i get you thongs like what you got elliot, are you gonna wear them like elliot?)

Today was also one of the most malu days in this school year so far. Why? Simply because i had to act infront of an entire old folk's home, AS NIAN (some mystical creature). I can tell you, i think i threw my face away in front of the entire Dance, GuZhen and Runner's club members. Honestly, that entire 5 min play felt like forever. But at least the entire audience were entertained. haha. After that, we were kinda like supposed to give oranges to all the old folks, (i didnt manage to give any, grrr, the runner's club members move to fast.) and bring them back to their respective wards. Like the dedicated CCC member i am, i managed to interact with many other old folks and yea, some of them were quite interesting when i interacted with them. (i will not post what i actually said, i am lazy, sry ar!). Thus ended my activities for the entire day. (went home to sleep, thats all i did, thats why i am still kinda active now T.T)

I would like to end this post again by wishing everyone a happy chinese new year to all.



ONLY 16 MORE DAYS TIL FOB CONCERT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Some random post about the new year

I know its like 12 plus on the 23th of jan, but i am bored and decided to post a short entry now. This post will be about the recent things that has happened to me for the past few weeks. To many people, the first few weeks of school are usually one of the largest hurdle that they have to overcome in theri academic lives, especially if they are entering a new school this year. But i have to admit that the 2 week so school wasnt too bad at all, in fact, it was pretty good.

CIP may seem boring to some of you people, but to me, my primary objective of doing cip is simply to help others who really need it. And i tell you, doing one entire week of CIP definately not a waste of my time. ok, so i admit i was kinda "sian" at first cuz i expected to do things like lessons or like a self esteem class. But me and my group of friends managed to pass the first week withour dying despite the many hours we put into either intereaction or simply painting a HDB flat. (i was assigned to a group in charge of doing CIP involving HCA Hospice.) Within the week (actually 2 days for, 2 days for intereaction, 1 day for breifing), my entire group has in total re painted an entire HDB and made many new friends at the HCA Hospice care. Seriously, those old folks in the centre maybe old, but they can be really good company if you really open your ears to them. I personally feel proud of myself, simply because with the help of 2 of my friends, the 3 of us managed to paint an entire toilet within a few hours. It was really satisfying and enjoyable.

As the weeks progress, it simply gets more magical. I swear. firstly, i started to talk to one of my old friends that i have lost contact with, now even as i blog, that person i can say is still talking to me now. Also, believe me when i say this, but this entire world is really really really small. For some strange reason, i found out that one of my cca friend, Gervin Phua was actually a close friend to some of the people i was really close to last time. (honestly, i think she is cute, haha, kinda sad she is going to poly, haha) (GUYS, I AM SIMPLY THINKING OUT LOUD, IT DOESNT MEAN I LIKE HER, SO DUN FUCKING GO AROUND SPREADING RUMORS)
Haha, i swear, i think God wanted mee to have a good year this year. Now that i actually come to think of it, retaining wasnt as bad as i thought it would be. Why? To put it simply, i made many new friends that i will never forget, strengthened old friendships and well, had fun.

This part of the post is to Jasper regarding the current problems you are facing now, but first, congrats for scoring 14 points for your Olevel, hopefully you will get into the school of your choice. But on a serious note, arguments between you and Sandra shouldnt bother you. You yourself have seen the way she acts sometimes, and i myself think that she is in no position to tell you how much attention you should be giving to her. Your attention should be on Zoa and really, like what i have said, it shouldnt bother you. If Sandra isnt mature enough to understand this, i dont think you should even spend time on it. So relax and enjoy your short but sexy holiday while you still can.

The new year is around the corner and i want to take this oppotunity to wish everyone a HAPPY CHINESE NEW YEAR as i may not be able to actually wish you all on the actual date itself (will be in malaysia). Have fun and stay cool guys. P.s: start watching futrama, it fucking funny, see you guys soon!